Basically after a three month gap here I've lost much motivation to carry on, and as someone recently described, I have a new lease of life, so much so that I'm almost a Clare v.2.0.
And there we have it, a new blog, found at;
http://clarev2.blogspot.com/
I can't be bothered to say more, just go there and shut up.
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Its the final countdown, do do do do do do do
Well here we are four months down the line from the first time America looked like a possibility and I guess it's time to say goodbye! I really really hate saying goodbye and I've had to say far too many in the last few days, not only because of America but to some of my closest friends who graduate this summer. So because of this I'm going to procrastinate from my farewells slightly longer by recounting my adventures from Monday night.
As you may, or may not, recall Monday was the night of the last hockey social. Now hockey is a game of many rules but one of the most important is, Broadgate hockey socials = horrifyingly drunk Clare (amongst others). You'll be please to know Monday was no exception. I won't mince my words, that was one of, if not THE best night of my university life. Firstly I did indeed become social secretary for nest year (thank you for your support guys) alongside Andy, which as you shall see, has trouble written all over it. Secondly I also won third team player of the season, as well as being our highest scoring player! A pretty good start to the evening before the drinking had even started it has to be said!
Anyway we moved onto a restaurant which provided us each with a bottle of wine and more food than anyone could eat before heading off to Oceana. Now I'm not a fan of Oceana on the whole, I have too many memories of completely losing people, but Monday was an exception. Apart from Charlie disappearing for half an hour and thus forcing Andy and I to drink his drink, we were all together pretty much all night. I had such an amazing time and it was such a perfect end to a year with some of the most fantastic people I know. I didn't think it could have been topped until Andy requested Frank Sinatra and it actually got played as the last song of the night!
It was only when we got in the taxi that events took a turn for the surreal. Charlie had the bright idea of trying to cross the lake on some 'stepping stones' he'd seen the other day, and in our slightly (read very) inebriated state Hephzi, Andy and I thought this was the best idea ever. Half an hour later we reached the lake, already soaked to the skin from the pouring rain, to discover that these 'stepping stones' were actually a fence with stone uprights which had pointed tops, presumably to stop the kind of thing we were about to attempt. However we continued regardless, minus Hephzi who decided the role of photographer was a more sensible idea. Me and the boys stripped off (my dress was brand new and hand wash only! -although I did steal Charlie's shirt to save some dignity and warmth!) and refused to admit defeat.
Needless to say, all did not go to plan, both Charlie and I fell in, and despite Andy's apparent success his legs bore the same cuts as ours in the end. Despite the cold, cuts and likely chances of tetanus and other such diseases it will go down as one of the highlights of my time in Nottingham, as well as one of the most surreal moments. I can't think how you top swimming the lake at five in the morning as the sun rose whilst singing Frank Sinatra to be honest.
Wow that must have been the longest account of one night ever, although it is quite hard to tell as I am drafting this in the smallest notebook the world has ever seen.
Anyway I think I've put it off long enough, however much I hate to do it. Goodbye folks, I hope you all have fantastic summers and those of you sitting exams get the results you want and need. I hope FFTW grows to be massive in the next three months and that when I return I can use my superior joining date to belittle all the noobs. Try not to miss me too much, I'm sure you'll be able to find another sarcastic, communist, anti-Semitic alcoholic without too much effort!
As you may, or may not, recall Monday was the night of the last hockey social. Now hockey is a game of many rules but one of the most important is, Broadgate hockey socials = horrifyingly drunk Clare (amongst others). You'll be please to know Monday was no exception. I won't mince my words, that was one of, if not THE best night of my university life. Firstly I did indeed become social secretary for nest year (thank you for your support guys) alongside Andy, which as you shall see, has trouble written all over it. Secondly I also won third team player of the season, as well as being our highest scoring player! A pretty good start to the evening before the drinking had even started it has to be said!
Anyway we moved onto a restaurant which provided us each with a bottle of wine and more food than anyone could eat before heading off to Oceana. Now I'm not a fan of Oceana on the whole, I have too many memories of completely losing people, but Monday was an exception. Apart from Charlie disappearing for half an hour and thus forcing Andy and I to drink his drink, we were all together pretty much all night. I had such an amazing time and it was such a perfect end to a year with some of the most fantastic people I know. I didn't think it could have been topped until Andy requested Frank Sinatra and it actually got played as the last song of the night!
It was only when we got in the taxi that events took a turn for the surreal. Charlie had the bright idea of trying to cross the lake on some 'stepping stones' he'd seen the other day, and in our slightly (read very) inebriated state Hephzi, Andy and I thought this was the best idea ever. Half an hour later we reached the lake, already soaked to the skin from the pouring rain, to discover that these 'stepping stones' were actually a fence with stone uprights which had pointed tops, presumably to stop the kind of thing we were about to attempt. However we continued regardless, minus Hephzi who decided the role of photographer was a more sensible idea. Me and the boys stripped off (my dress was brand new and hand wash only! -although I did steal Charlie's shirt to save some dignity and warmth!) and refused to admit defeat.
Needless to say, all did not go to plan, both Charlie and I fell in, and despite Andy's apparent success his legs bore the same cuts as ours in the end. Despite the cold, cuts and likely chances of tetanus and other such diseases it will go down as one of the highlights of my time in Nottingham, as well as one of the most surreal moments. I can't think how you top swimming the lake at five in the morning as the sun rose whilst singing Frank Sinatra to be honest.
Wow that must have been the longest account of one night ever, although it is quite hard to tell as I am drafting this in the smallest notebook the world has ever seen.
Anyway I think I've put it off long enough, however much I hate to do it. Goodbye folks, I hope you all have fantastic summers and those of you sitting exams get the results you want and need. I hope FFTW grows to be massive in the next three months and that when I return I can use my superior joining date to belittle all the noobs. Try not to miss me too much, I'm sure you'll be able to find another sarcastic, communist, anti-Semitic alcoholic without too much effort!
Monday, 2 June 2008
Bits and pieces, the penultimate episode.
Well I am basically blogging through lack of anything to do, all my flatmates have gone home and I’m only here to go to my hockey social this evening. Most of my stuff has already been taken home, so I’m left with a couple of sets of clothes, my computer, a book, a sleeping bag, wash stuff and half a bottle of wine. Granted the last of those could make any of the previous items seem distinctly more fun, but if I start drinking now, I’ll actually die tomorrow morning when trying to get the train home.
Well Friday night was Hannah’s last night in 
Anyway on Saturday it was the Summer Party, which was an absolutely amazing day. I have to say though, they definitely mucked up the line up. L
ethal Bizzle was on at about five o’clock but easily had a bigger and more active audience than anyone (except maybe Goldie Lookin Chain) until The Maccabees at half past nine. And in fact, I enjoyed some of the acts prior to Lethal Bizzle, most notably, The Franks (http://www.myspace.com/thefranksuk), (the lead guitarist was HOT) and Bipolar Bear, much more than some of the ones that followed, The Courteeners for example, didn’t live up to my hopes. But no seriously a really good day, Lethal Bizzle was brilliant, GLC were as entertaining as ever and told us all to start taking drugs and give three cheers for Red Tube, The Maccabees were pretty awesome, but one of the most uncool looking bands out there, and the fat old drummer from Fun Loving Criminals did a stage dive, I’m surprised he wasn’t hurt, I’d have leapt out of the way.
Good day all round although I was exhausted by the end, but seriously if nothing else check out The Franks on myspace they’re brilliant. ‘Take you r hands off me, I don’t know where they’ve been, I don’t know what they mean’.
birthday. I t was a bit weird I have to be honest, I kind of felt like they were invading my university life. We weren’t in Nottingham proper for that long at least, as the restaurant we were in was a bit of
Sunday, 1 June 2008
Reflection and Pride
This was written a couple of days ago, but its taken until now to transfer it, the original can be found at http://forumsftw.com/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=207 , along with the pictures which I'm too lazy to put here.
I've been writing different blogs of late, the last one barely counts as was more a case of damage limitation, and self preservation, although I guess to an extent thats to be expected. Life is a bit strange when you are counting down the days til you travel to a foreign country for three months, with very little idea of quite what you'll be doing, or quite what contact you'll have with anyone from home. Not only that of course, but as some of you may know, Clare hasn't been 100% herself as of late, its funny how much of an impact some things can have on you despite your best efforts to ignore them.
Anyway before this turns too cryptic I'll move on. This entry again, won't be quite the norm. Not only for the reasons above but also as I haven't been up to much of interest, that a paragraph shall suffice, and finally because I'm writing this blog with more of a purpose than I often have.
That being said I’ll briefly fill you in with what I have been doing as I know people have probably completely lost track of where I am, I’m having enough problems knowing myself! So after I got back from London I was at home for about a week and a half, in that time I worked at good old Cattle Country (http://www.cattlecountry.co.uk/) for a few days to get some money. I’ve been working there four years its all a bit insane really. I love the guys that work there so much, especially the older ones who I’ve worked with for so long. I’m gonna miss them this summer, first one in five years I won’t be working there, that being said, I think it may be a good thing. There’s a hell of a lot of chemistry between me and one of the new guys who works there, (a lot like Jak last summer, and we know how that ended up) and I won’t deny it he’s hot, but he’s also 16. That’s like paedophilia almost, ok its not at all, but I can’t imagine the stick I’d get.
Anyway other than that I’ve just seen my grandparents, eaten more cake than I’d care to think about (2 birthdays and grandparents visiting), and hung out a lot with Jamie. Jamie is a complete legend, I love him to bits, I never laugh more than when I’m with him. He’s the only one finished uni out of my home friends so its just been the two of us which has been really cool. We’ve wasted hours just wandering around town or watching crappy day time TV. The highlights were easily watching Die Hard 4.0, I can’t believe how much I enjoyed that film, slightly ridiculous really. Its not even an amazing film, but I was just in the perfect mood for it, and also the pub yesterday afternoon. I can’t drink in the middle of the day to save my life, two pints of cider and the afternoon was ruled out, as was far too much of my money on that bloody IT box. Never go on them kids, you just don’t win.
Anyhow, I’m now back in Nottingham for a few days until Tuesday, basically just for a few social things before I go to America, Summer Party tomorrow and hockey end of year social on Monday.
And this leads us to the purpose of this blog. I’m currently procrastinating from my least favourite job in the world, packing. Its that time of year that I have to strip my walls and pack away all my belongings and drive them the 150 odd miles back to childhood home. I’ve been lucky this year in that I’ve only had to do it once, compared to the three times at the end of each term in halls last year. I’ve always found packing really depressing, although I can’t say why, but now at the end of the second year of my degree I’m finding the process a much more reflective one than usual.
I guess to an extent, as with everything at the moment, this is linked to America and my current stage of self reflection, but its more than that, next year I’ll graduate, and have to make the next step. Up until now the next step was always in place, ever since I started school I was going to university, the only questions were where and studying what. But now that’s no longer the case, now I make the first step into the unknown. All of this builds up, so that as I take the photos down from the wall, I’ve begun to reflect on my second year at university.
Most people reading this won’t have known me before my second year so let me give you a little background. This is something that I’ve only admitted to myself over the last six months and told no one before, but I didn’t really enjoy my first year at uni, and it was largely my fault. I’ve said for a while 2007 was one of the worst years of my life, and that isn’t because it was terrible, but because most of the others were damn good. I fell into the trap at uni which I think a lot of first years do, of not throwing yourself into enough stuff and getting involved. I wasn’t all that confident in my first year, and although I met a lot of people I didn’t form many close friendships, which is why I found myself applying to live in a flat with people I didn’t know rather than in a house with a group of friends.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have no friends last year, or stay inside the whole time. But I was quite lonely, not helped of course by the end of a two year relationship, and having such close friends at home. I think at the time I admitted to Berni that I often looked forward to going home, because I had much better friends there. Anyway I went into this year with a different attitude. Although I didn’t notice it my confidence had improved over the first year, and it was something I noticed a lot at work in the summer, I was a much more central component of the staff in terms of socialising than I’d been previously. So second year began and I threw myself into everything, including orchestra, yoga, and most importantly hockey, as well as on my course talking to people I wouldn’t have done before.
And now I can look back and see the success I have achieved. I’ve absolutely loved pretty much every second of my second year. My group of friends has expanded massively, and I have many closer friends and a couple I would trust with my life, which is something I missed last year. The hockey lot are one of the best bunches of people I have ever met, and I’ve met so many people through them as well. I’ve been so much more confident talking to people on my course, in lectures and seminars as well. I’m no longer the one who sits there and struggles to think of anything to reply with, I’m the one guiding the conversation, or even organising the nights out.
On Monday its our end of year hockey social, in which they hand out the awards and organise the committee positions for next year. I’m running for social sec, and stand a bloody good chance of getting it. In my eyes social secretaries are always the really popular people, who know everyone, and are liked by everyone. The fact that I am running for that position in a society I absolutely love to bits, makes me incredibly proud, and really reflects the change I’ve made from the first year to the second year.
I am so proud of what I’ve achieved, and regardless of my exam results, which I can’t think will be all that terrible, I have had a really fantastic year. And I wouldn’t change a second of it.
I've been writing different blogs of late, the last one barely counts as was more a case of damage limitation, and self preservation, although I guess to an extent thats to be expected. Life is a bit strange when you are counting down the days til you travel to a foreign country for three months, with very little idea of quite what you'll be doing, or quite what contact you'll have with anyone from home. Not only that of course, but as some of you may know, Clare hasn't been 100% herself as of late, its funny how much of an impact some things can have on you despite your best efforts to ignore them.
Anyway before this turns too cryptic I'll move on. This entry again, won't be quite the norm. Not only for the reasons above but also as I haven't been up to much of interest, that a paragraph shall suffice, and finally because I'm writing this blog with more of a purpose than I often have.
That being said I’ll briefly fill you in with what I have been doing as I know people have probably completely lost track of where I am, I’m having enough problems knowing myself! So after I got back from London I was at home for about a week and a half, in that time I worked at good old Cattle Country (http://www.cattlecountry.co.uk/) for a few days to get some money. I’ve been working there four years its all a bit insane really. I love the guys that work there so much, especially the older ones who I’ve worked with for so long. I’m gonna miss them this summer, first one in five years I won’t be working there, that being said, I think it may be a good thing. There’s a hell of a lot of chemistry between me and one of the new guys who works there, (a lot like Jak last summer, and we know how that ended up) and I won’t deny it he’s hot, but he’s also 16. That’s like paedophilia almost, ok its not at all, but I can’t imagine the stick I’d get.
Anyway other than that I’ve just seen my grandparents, eaten more cake than I’d care to think about (2 birthdays and grandparents visiting), and hung out a lot with Jamie. Jamie is a complete legend, I love him to bits, I never laugh more than when I’m with him. He’s the only one finished uni out of my home friends so its just been the two of us which has been really cool. We’ve wasted hours just wandering around town or watching crappy day time TV. The highlights were easily watching Die Hard 4.0, I can’t believe how much I enjoyed that film, slightly ridiculous really. Its not even an amazing film, but I was just in the perfect mood for it, and also the pub yesterday afternoon. I can’t drink in the middle of the day to save my life, two pints of cider and the afternoon was ruled out, as was far too much of my money on that bloody IT box. Never go on them kids, you just don’t win.
Anyhow, I’m now back in Nottingham for a few days until Tuesday, basically just for a few social things before I go to America, Summer Party tomorrow and hockey end of year social on Monday.
And this leads us to the purpose of this blog. I’m currently procrastinating from my least favourite job in the world, packing. Its that time of year that I have to strip my walls and pack away all my belongings and drive them the 150 odd miles back to childhood home. I’ve been lucky this year in that I’ve only had to do it once, compared to the three times at the end of each term in halls last year. I’ve always found packing really depressing, although I can’t say why, but now at the end of the second year of my degree I’m finding the process a much more reflective one than usual.
I guess to an extent, as with everything at the moment, this is linked to America and my current stage of self reflection, but its more than that, next year I’ll graduate, and have to make the next step. Up until now the next step was always in place, ever since I started school I was going to university, the only questions were where and studying what. But now that’s no longer the case, now I make the first step into the unknown. All of this builds up, so that as I take the photos down from the wall, I’ve begun to reflect on my second year at university.
Most people reading this won’t have known me before my second year so let me give you a little background. This is something that I’ve only admitted to myself over the last six months and told no one before, but I didn’t really enjoy my first year at uni, and it was largely my fault. I’ve said for a while 2007 was one of the worst years of my life, and that isn’t because it was terrible, but because most of the others were damn good. I fell into the trap at uni which I think a lot of first years do, of not throwing yourself into enough stuff and getting involved. I wasn’t all that confident in my first year, and although I met a lot of people I didn’t form many close friendships, which is why I found myself applying to live in a flat with people I didn’t know rather than in a house with a group of friends.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have no friends last year, or stay inside the whole time. But I was quite lonely, not helped of course by the end of a two year relationship, and having such close friends at home. I think at the time I admitted to Berni that I often looked forward to going home, because I had much better friends there. Anyway I went into this year with a different attitude. Although I didn’t notice it my confidence had improved over the first year, and it was something I noticed a lot at work in the summer, I was a much more central component of the staff in terms of socialising than I’d been previously. So second year began and I threw myself into everything, including orchestra, yoga, and most importantly hockey, as well as on my course talking to people I wouldn’t have done before.
And now I can look back and see the success I have achieved. I’ve absolutely loved pretty much every second of my second year. My group of friends has expanded massively, and I have many closer friends and a couple I would trust with my life, which is something I missed last year. The hockey lot are one of the best bunches of people I have ever met, and I’ve met so many people through them as well. I’ve been so much more confident talking to people on my course, in lectures and seminars as well. I’m no longer the one who sits there and struggles to think of anything to reply with, I’m the one guiding the conversation, or even organising the nights out.
On Monday its our end of year hockey social, in which they hand out the awards and organise the committee positions for next year. I’m running for social sec, and stand a bloody good chance of getting it. In my eyes social secretaries are always the really popular people, who know everyone, and are liked by everyone. The fact that I am running for that position in a society I absolutely love to bits, makes me incredibly proud, and really reflects the change I’ve made from the first year to the second year.
I am so proud of what I’ve achieved, and regardless of my exam results, which I can’t think will be all that terrible, I have had a really fantastic year. And I wouldn’t change a second of it.
Thursday, 22 May 2008
Wow, this blog is quite intimidating to write as I have done SO much in the last few days, I dread to think what it'll be like when I get back from America. I remember when I went o Argentina for a month back in 2005, I tried to keep a diary (bear in mind I did successfully kept a diary for 4 years), but the days were so long and so full that I got behind, and ended up writing up several days at a time and it was just such hard work. Anyway I shall get on with it.
Firstly of course I sat my last exam on Thursday, which I think went alright, w
ell enough at least, I even did the question on medieval urbanization after complaining about it so much. I then struggled to go to the doctors and stay awake paid £60 for someone to tell me I was a healthy weight and fitness came back and went to bed. Anyway the next couple of days involved drinking, shopping, sleeping, and watching Jar head. Excellent film, HOT actor, the whole no hair, no clothes thing worked nicely too. Nice in depth review for you there.
ell enough at least, I even did the question on medieval urbanization after complaining about it so much. I then struggled to go to the doctors and stay awake paid £60 for someone to tell me I was a healthy weight and fitness came back and went to bed. Anyway the next couple of days involved drinking, shopping, sleeping, and watching Jar head. Excellent film, HOT actor, the whole no hair, no clothes thing worked nicely too. Nice in depth review for you there.And then on Saturday I went to London! Seriously probably the best four days of 2008 so far, or at least best cluster of days. The bus journey there was just painful, the fat dude in front of me reclined his chair and then some silly little Asian woman sat next to me so I had like no space to move, coupled with the fact it is now law to wear a seat belt, the bottom half of my body went completely numb. I did have a nice text conversation with someone I hadn't heard from in ages, simply as the bus stopped in Milton Keynes where he lives. Anyway got to London eventually then had to make it across London to where my friend Charlotte lives. She's only in zone two so its not actually that far, however she happens to love at the end of the one tube line (The East London line) which is closed for improvements and extensions due to the Olympic games, so we had to take an overground train as well, still it wasn't too bad, not rush hour or anything.
After bumming around for a bit we decided to go to Harrods as I'd never been and Charlotte hadn't been whilst actu
ally living in London. We spent literally about 3 hours walking around it just looking at everything and pretending we had enough money to buy things. I felt like such a tramp walking around the designer clothes in ripped jeans and a university hoodie. I enjoyed laughing at the flip flops which were £499 however. We decided that we really wanted to buy something though, mainly for the bag, so we found some amazing pens which had hands on the end, and were within our budget as they cost £1.95. Then the till wouldn't work properly and the sales assistant joked that we'd broken it by spending too much, haha, that was so much funnier at the time than it is in text. After that we went back to Charlotte's flat again cos it was freezing and we couldn't think of anything better to do really.
ally living in London. We spent literally about 3 hours walking around it just looking at everything and pretending we had enough money to buy things. I felt like such a tramp walking around the designer clothes in ripped jeans and a university hoodie. I enjoyed laughing at the flip flops which were £499 however. We decided that we really wanted to buy something though, mainly for the bag, so we found some amazing pens which had hands on the end, and were within our budget as they cost £1.95. Then the till wouldn't work properly and the sales assistant joked that we'd broken it by spending too much, haha, that was so much funnier at the time than it is in text. After that we went back to Charlotte's flat again cos it was freezing and we couldn't think of anything better to do really. In the evening we had a huge debate about whether to go out or not, but we decided against it as by the time we would have got there it would h
ave been £9 to get in and then expensive drinks and we're both cheapskates and I was exhausted. Instead we took the bus into the centre which takes a lot longer than the train but you get to see more of the sights as it goes through Westminster etc. although it was pretty much dark by this time as we left about half ten ish. Got off at Piccadilly Circus which was packed, being a Saturday night but an amazing atmosphere that I've never experienced before, it was a weekend a bit like that actually. Anyhow wondered through Leicester Square and eventually stumbled across what we'd been looking for, China Town! Again somewhere I've never been on my trips to London, its not huge, but still really busy even at quarter to midnight which it was by then. So yeah we went for a Chinese meal at midnight, in a restaurant Charlotte had only ever been to when completely wasted, which although not much of a recommendation proved good enough as the food was amazing. We ended up ordering far too much, overhearing a conversation between a man and a woman on the next table which was very deep and concerned childhood abuse etc. we couldn't for the life of us work out what the relationship was between them, although I hope for the sake of the bloke it wasn't a first date, cos that woman was a lunatic if it was. Then we drank more Chinese tea than can be healthy and left the restaurant at half one feeling like a giant vat of water.
ave been £9 to get in and then expensive drinks and we're both cheapskates and I was exhausted. Instead we took the bus into the centre which takes a lot longer than the train but you get to see more of the sights as it goes through Westminster etc. although it was pretty much dark by this time as we left about half ten ish. Got off at Piccadilly Circus which was packed, being a Saturday night but an amazing atmosphere that I've never experienced before, it was a weekend a bit like that actually. Anyhow wondered through Leicester Square and eventually stumbled across what we'd been looking for, China Town! Again somewhere I've never been on my trips to London, its not huge, but still really busy even at quarter to midnight which it was by then. So yeah we went for a Chinese meal at midnight, in a restaurant Charlotte had only ever been to when completely wasted, which although not much of a recommendation proved good enough as the food was amazing. We ended up ordering far too much, overhearing a conversation between a man and a woman on the next table which was very deep and concerned childhood abuse etc. we couldn't for the life of us work out what the relationship was between them, although I hope for the sake of the bloke it wasn't a first date, cos that woman was a lunatic if it was. Then we drank more Chinese tea than can be healthy and left the restaurant at half one feeling like a giant vat of water.Needless to say the next morning we did not get up very early. When we eventually did we went to Spitalfield Market, yet another place I'd never been, but it was amazing. I could have spent sooo much money, I restrained myself though and bought only a lovely new purse, a couple of scarves, a poster and an old copy of Pride and Prejudice, cos we only have hardback leather bound version. Again it was a really different atmosphere to I was used to, much less touristy than the parts of London I know, then we wondered down Brick Lane where all the indie kids hang out. Some amazing retro clothes shops down there, but I'd already spent far too much money that day so I resisted. We went to the most amazing American diner though and had fries and the most orgasmic milkshakes the world has ever witnessed. Chocolate with peanut butter added for 50p more, it was like a liquid snickers, OMGOSH so good.
When we finally decided to brave the
cold again, it was freezing in London this weekend we went to Covent Garden through lack of anything better to do. First of all we watched some crazy guy battle his way out of a straight jacket, which he nearly didn't manage actually. Then an even crazier guy stripped off down to only some ridiculously small gold shiny pants, and juggled a chain saw. One of the funniest things I've seen actually his act, but again not something that I can put across in text I don't think. Didn't get up to much that evening, Charlotte had work she had to do,and I bummed around in front of the film Honey, as I'd never seen it, and Charlotte's film collection is notoriously awful. The problem with this film, is not even is the plot rubbish, but the dancing is too, oh well.
Anyway on Monday Charlotte had uni so I got most of the day to bum around
on my own. Started off on Oxford Street as that was where her classes were. I tried desperately hard not to spend too much money, and failed, I did buy my dad and my brother their birthday presents though which was good of me. Ate lunch people watching at Trafalgar Square then went to the National Portrait Museum which I've been to before but love, and its free. I spent absolutely hour sin the Tudor rooms, being a complete and utter history geek, reading every single little sign. It just seems amazing to me, that the pictures you see in all the textbooks, were right there, in front of me, ah, GEEK. I decided to be a proper tourist and went to the Houses of Parliament and Big Ben for a bit, just from the outside, although I wish I'd gone inside I'd probably have seen some of the debates about Abortion which were pretty lively from what I saw on the news, ah well, I don't know how easy it is to get in there nowadays anyway. From there I wondered up to the London eye and talked to a crazy drunk man, he was very friendly though.
cold again, it was freezing in London this weekend we went to Covent Garden through lack of anything better to do. First of all we watched some crazy guy battle his way out of a straight jacket, which he nearly didn't manage actually. Then an even crazier guy stripped off down to only some ridiculously small gold shiny pants, and juggled a chain saw. One of the funniest things I've seen actually his act, but again not something that I can put across in text I don't think. Didn't get up to much that evening, Charlotte had work she had to do,and I bummed around in front of the film Honey, as I'd never seen it, and Charlotte's film collection is notoriously awful. The problem with this film, is not even is the plot rubbish, but the dancing is too, oh well.Anyway on Monday Charlotte had uni so I got most of the day to bum around
on my own. Started off on Oxford Street as that was where her classes were. I tried desperately hard not to spend too much money, and failed, I did buy my dad and my brother their birthday presents though which was good of me. Ate lunch people watching at Trafalgar Square then went to the National Portrait Museum which I've been to before but love, and its free. I spent absolutely hour sin the Tudor rooms, being a complete and utter history geek, reading every single little sign. It just seems amazing to me, that the pictures you see in all the textbooks, were right there, in front of me, ah, GEEK. I decided to be a proper tourist and went to the Houses of Parliament and Big Ben for a bit, just from the outside, although I wish I'd gone inside I'd probably have seen some of the debates about Abortion which were pretty lively from what I saw on the news, ah well, I don't know how easy it is to get in there nowadays anyway. From there I wondered up to the London eye and talked to a crazy drunk man, he was very friendly though.
When I met back up with Charlotte at London Bridge station we finally had the Krisy Kreme we'd been craving for days, and damn was it good.In the evening we had the usual dilemma of where to go out and instead decided to have a mini cocktail, drinking games night in instead. That was after helping Charlotte's friend Rupert film some UFOs, which he later edited into a video with a Pendulum soundtrack, I wish I could remember the youtube address. I am so jealous of their courses, they all look so much fun! So yeah we all got rather drunk, Charlotte managed to break her flatmate Romy's finger by trapping it in the window, I got two hours sleep then had to run across London via Waterloo to drop off my bag to the US Embassy.
The embassy wasn't half as bad as I expected actually, I was in there less than 45 minutes, and the whole process including the queue took little over an hour. I had to have all my fingerprints taken which is a bit extreme but other than that the security wasn't particularly over the top. So until my bus I went to the V and A, which I love to bits. Unfortunately I was knackered and nearly fell asleep on the tube, so didn't really have the energy to look round everywhere. still i looked round a fantastic exhibition on books, and some of the other ones, then got the tube to Leicester Square an date MacDonald's in the sun, classy I know, before going to Waterloo and collecting my bag. Nearly dying carrying it across London and getting my bus home.
So yeah, bloody good few days. Bloody long blog post. Good times.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Completely pointless blog.
Ok so basically I’m blogging because Matty bugged me too. I am sitting here now thinking, what the hell am I going to talk about? As I have actually NOTHING to say.
So right the other day I did some revision, and then you’ll never guess what, the next day I did some MORE revision. Exciting stuff eh? I bet you are all jealous of my life! I lie actually, yesterday I actually did something slightly different, I sat an exam! I won’t bore you with the details of that one but I think it went alright, I basically have to chose three essay questions out of ten, and I had two good question and one alright one, so I can’t complain. Three hour exams suck big time though, when I come out I am completely exhausted. Georgie didn’t think she was alright to drive when we came out, she’d only had an hour and a half’s sleep the night before too, so we grabbed ice creams and sat by the lakeside for a bit, which was nice.
The lakeside is lovely actually, we have a beautiful campus but the lake really wins, especially towards the far end with the café and the art gallery, where dare I say it, THE GENERAL PUBLIC chill out as well. Its funny living on a campus or in a student area, its not often you see kids, its almost nice when you go down to the lakeside and see them bawling their eyes out, reminds you there actually is a world outside the little bubble of studentdom.
So right the other day I did some revision, and then you’ll never guess what, the next day I did some MORE revision. Exciting stuff eh? I bet you are all jealous of my life! I lie actually, yesterday I actually did something slightly different, I sat an exam! I won’t bore you with the details of that one but I think it went alright, I basically have to chose three essay questions out of ten, and I had two good question and one alright one, so I can’t complain. Three hour exams suck big time though, when I come out I am completely exhausted. Georgie didn’t think she was alright to drive when we came out, she’d only had an hour and a half’s sleep the night before too, so we grabbed ice creams and sat by the lakeside for a bit, which was nice.
The lakeside is lovely actually, we have a beautiful campus but the lake really wins, especially towards the far end with the café and the art gallery, where dare I say it, THE GENERAL PUBLIC chill out as well. Its funny living on a campus or in a student area, its not often you see kids, its almost nice when you go down to the lakeside and see them bawling their eyes out, reminds you there actually is a world outside the little bubble of studentdom.
The weather is still stunning, today wasn’t quite so nice, a lot cooler though which is actually a bit of a blessing working in the heat is unbearable, and cooking, yuck. I’m hoping this isn’t the end of the nice weather what with finishing my exams on Thursday but knowing sods law it will be. I’m already planning what to do once I finish, my exam ends at 12, but I have a doctor appointment which includes getting my blood pressure taken so that rules out drinking before 3. The annoying thing is none of my friends have finished exams so there’s no one around willing to get wasted with me. I think I’ve managed to talk Kayleigh into going to the SU Bar, Mooch (I know great name) with me in the evening cos she wants Strongbow, and their nachos are divine! So I’ll just have two pints to her one and it’ll be a good enough way to relax, and one I bloody well need I’ll tell you that.
On Friday I am thinking recovery through shopping. I really want a nice summery dress, I have the hockey formal in a couple of weeks time and although I have one I can wear, a girl always wants new dresses. I’ve been having a browse on the old internet and there are so many lovely dresses around at the moment, but buying them is never as easy as you hope! I love love love this one, http://www.newlook.co.uk/1404947/140494719/ProductDetails.aspx but I just know it’ll be too short on me. Ah well, I’m holding out for H&M I’ve had some lovely (and cheap!) dresses from there before. I also need a new bikini, one isn’t going to last me the summer if I’m swim teaching. And I really want an identical pair of flip-flops to the ones I got from Primark a few weeks ago because I have never ever worn a pair so comfortable in my life.
Then afterwards if its still nice weather I think I’m gonna head off to Wollaton Park which is like twenty minutes
from my house, or five minutes off of the North Side of campus, and lie in the sun with a book. Wollaton Park is gorgeous with a lovely old house, which I’ve actually not been into and a mahoosive lake. I’ve only been a couple of times, but its so relaxed, seems completely out of the city almost, fantastic for walking or running around as well, but I doubt I’ll have the energy for that.
And then on Saturday I’m going to London, woop! Staying with my friend Charlotte as she seems to be about the only person in the world who doesn’t have exams because she studies fashion! Looking forward to being a general geeky tourist, I have all day Monday to myself as she has uni all day, so I’ll get to explore. Then a visa appointment on Tuesday, I’m expecting to be in the US embassy allllll day, the most ridiculous thing though, is that because they now take all ten finger prints, if I get a cut on ANY of my fingers they have to cancel the appointment, and thus leave it too late for my flight out to America now. Just to prove I’m not a bloody criminal, its ridiculous.
On a final note, I’m going to be a millionaire. Kayleigh and I had an amazing idea over dinner, we’re gonna set up a business where you can ring a number and it’ll talk to you, or text a number and it’ll text you back. So you can look popular if needs be, or avoid someone! How many times have you, or have you seen someone blatantly pretend to be on the phone to avoid talking to someone! They’ll be automated conversations, and may even give instructions like, ‘Say yes now’ for those people who are hopeless actors. Someone is now about to tell me this company already exists and I’ll be devastated.
Completely pointless blog over and out.
Sunday, 11 May 2008
A blog that will no doubt be deleted
. . . at a future date, as I fear it may be very emo and turn into a bit of a rant. Nonetheless my blog section is empty and I really need just to write this uninterrupted to give myself time to think and clarify things in my own head.
As most of you probably know from my moanings across FFTW in the last couple of days, I’ve been a tad bit stressed. Exams always do this to me, exams or essay deadlines at least. However believe it or not that’s actually only a recent development, during A levels and GCSEs and even in my first year at uni last year, I never had the problems I seem to have this year. Granted every year is gonna get more intense etc. etc. but this is a sudden leap and I don’t like it.
Its not even the stress per se which is the problem, it’s the side effects of it. Physically I’ve been a wreck, I’ve barely eaten or slept in days, and when I have I’ve eaten crap (a whole 12 inch takeaway pizza, yuck) and had horrible dreams. I have bags under my eyes the size of China and more headaches than normal. I’m emotionally a wreck, I’ve cried more in the last couple of weeks than probably since January or even before put together. And worst of all, as per usual, I’ve pushed away from me the people I care about, I do this every single fucking time! I’ve lost a best friend of 16 years in the last few weeks, although granted not entirely my doing, I’ve made my mum cry which is an absolutely horrible thing to do to your own mother, I’ve pissed other friends off to the extent they are avoiding me until exams are over and I’ve lost someone that could have potentially been a very good friend, as I have far less control over my mouth and temper when I’m stressed, at the expense of other peoples feelings.
Anyway, blatant moan paragraph out of the way. I feel a bit like a broken record, as it always seems to happen nowadays. People have as always in their unfaltering patience been there for me, and I could name drop all I wanted but they know who they are, and know how grateful I am to them for never giving up on me, and not getting bored of my ‘ZOMG I’M SO STRESSED, LIKE I WANT TO CRY, FUCKING PEOPLE’ rants. But all of this has called into question who I actually am.
Callum said something last night which made me think, looking back on it, he may well have already been sloshed, but still it seemed to make a lot of sense nonetheless. He said to me, you seem to be overly consumed in who Clare is, and I think he has a point. I seem to be suffering a bit of an identity crisis almost. Since I don’t know maybe 2 years ago when I started uni, I’ve always known who I was, and always liked who I was, sure I’ve changed in that time, in confidence more than anything and sure I have my faults, don’t we all? That’s what makes people so fascinating. But the point is I’ve always known who I was and been happy with that, until recently.What first made me think this, is what I see as an over-dependence on people. I’ve always prided myself on being independent, sure I need some people around, but I don’t like having to rely solely on other people and not myself. This is reflected perhaps more online than elsewhere. I think I’m safe in saying that pretty much everyone here knows who Clare is, the fundamentals I mean, like what subject I do at uni, how old I am, what uni I’m at, some of my main viewpoints and likes and dislikes etc. But I doubt many of you could tell me a lot more, and there’s a reason for that, whilst I’m perfectly willing to tell of past stories, I’m very reluctant of telling people what I’m thinking at any particular time in great depth, and as a result most people here, don’t really know me. I think I can count the number of people (online) that have really got to know Clare inside and out with all her faults, on two fingers both of whom I’ve known for more than a year, this even discounts people I’ve leant on recently in times of need. Everyone else sees the Clare that faces the world, the tough Clare, the generally happy Clare, the sarcastic Clare. I was once told by someone I worked with that I was the most genuine person he’s ever met, which to this day I’ve viewed as one of the biggest compliments I have ever received. And I’d still like to think I was true, I haven’t been lying to any of you like some people we could mention, you just haven’t seen the whole picture, you’ve seen one side of Clare, the public face, the defence mechanism, the strong independent Clare. The point is I think that I seem to be losing that more and more recently, it is becoming more and more just a face to put on the world, as I’ve leant on more people and not been able to get by on my own. I seem to be losing the very essence which is Clare. Or at least, what I see to be Clare.
So time for the accusations? This will sound incredibly selfish but I think over recent months I’ve always been there for other people and perhaps a little too much, if anyone asks for help I’m always willing to help, if anyone is down I will try stupidly hard to cheer them up, and don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing it, but I think in giving other people all my time, I’ve let time for myself drift out the window, I’m becoming watered down almost. Now this isn’t an accusation against anyone I’ve helped in recent times cos most of you have helped me at some point too so I can’t fault you for that, its just a cumulative thing.
Anyway the point is. I think, I’m now on a mission to refind myself. Most aspects are still very much there, I am as determined as ever, as much up for a laugh as ever and as bloody stubborn as ever. But I need to re find the independence which I thrive on, and perhaps more than that, reflect on my priorities. I have an exam tomorrow and another one on Thursday but then essentially I am free until uni starts in September. As you all know by now, and if you don’t you must have been living in a cave, I’m going to America for three months this summer, until now I’d been seeing it as just an awesome experience, now I’m seeing it as a chance to get away, particularly it has to be said from the internet, which has been having a negative impact on me as of late. 3 months in a foreign country living and working with kids should, I hope, give me the time I need step back from thinking about being Clare, and just being her and getting on with it. So when I return in September beautifully tanned, I’ll have found myself without even trying. And then, when I click on my favourite favourite at the top of the screen and scream, “I’M BAAAAAACK!” I bloody well will be.
In hindsight this was a lot less emo than I thought it would be.
*gives myself a pat on the back*
'Pologies to anyone other than the FFTW crew, it was written originally for there and I can't be bothered to remove the references.
As most of you probably know from my moanings across FFTW in the last couple of days, I’ve been a tad bit stressed. Exams always do this to me, exams or essay deadlines at least. However believe it or not that’s actually only a recent development, during A levels and GCSEs and even in my first year at uni last year, I never had the problems I seem to have this year. Granted every year is gonna get more intense etc. etc. but this is a sudden leap and I don’t like it.
Its not even the stress per se which is the problem, it’s the side effects of it. Physically I’ve been a wreck, I’ve barely eaten or slept in days, and when I have I’ve eaten crap (a whole 12 inch takeaway pizza, yuck) and had horrible dreams. I have bags under my eyes the size of China and more headaches than normal. I’m emotionally a wreck, I’ve cried more in the last couple of weeks than probably since January or even before put together. And worst of all, as per usual, I’ve pushed away from me the people I care about, I do this every single fucking time! I’ve lost a best friend of 16 years in the last few weeks, although granted not entirely my doing, I’ve made my mum cry which is an absolutely horrible thing to do to your own mother, I’ve pissed other friends off to the extent they are avoiding me until exams are over and I’ve lost someone that could have potentially been a very good friend, as I have far less control over my mouth and temper when I’m stressed, at the expense of other peoples feelings.
Anyway, blatant moan paragraph out of the way. I feel a bit like a broken record, as it always seems to happen nowadays. People have as always in their unfaltering patience been there for me, and I could name drop all I wanted but they know who they are, and know how grateful I am to them for never giving up on me, and not getting bored of my ‘ZOMG I’M SO STRESSED, LIKE I WANT TO CRY, FUCKING PEOPLE’ rants. But all of this has called into question who I actually am.
Callum said something last night which made me think, looking back on it, he may well have already been sloshed, but still it seemed to make a lot of sense nonetheless. He said to me, you seem to be overly consumed in who Clare is, and I think he has a point. I seem to be suffering a bit of an identity crisis almost. Since I don’t know maybe 2 years ago when I started uni, I’ve always known who I was, and always liked who I was, sure I’ve changed in that time, in confidence more than anything and sure I have my faults, don’t we all? That’s what makes people so fascinating. But the point is I’ve always known who I was and been happy with that, until recently.What first made me think this, is what I see as an over-dependence on people. I’ve always prided myself on being independent, sure I need some people around, but I don’t like having to rely solely on other people and not myself. This is reflected perhaps more online than elsewhere. I think I’m safe in saying that pretty much everyone here knows who Clare is, the fundamentals I mean, like what subject I do at uni, how old I am, what uni I’m at, some of my main viewpoints and likes and dislikes etc. But I doubt many of you could tell me a lot more, and there’s a reason for that, whilst I’m perfectly willing to tell of past stories, I’m very reluctant of telling people what I’m thinking at any particular time in great depth, and as a result most people here, don’t really know me. I think I can count the number of people (online) that have really got to know Clare inside and out with all her faults, on two fingers both of whom I’ve known for more than a year, this even discounts people I’ve leant on recently in times of need. Everyone else sees the Clare that faces the world, the tough Clare, the generally happy Clare, the sarcastic Clare. I was once told by someone I worked with that I was the most genuine person he’s ever met, which to this day I’ve viewed as one of the biggest compliments I have ever received. And I’d still like to think I was true, I haven’t been lying to any of you like some people we could mention, you just haven’t seen the whole picture, you’ve seen one side of Clare, the public face, the defence mechanism, the strong independent Clare. The point is I think that I seem to be losing that more and more recently, it is becoming more and more just a face to put on the world, as I’ve leant on more people and not been able to get by on my own. I seem to be losing the very essence which is Clare. Or at least, what I see to be Clare.
So time for the accusations? This will sound incredibly selfish but I think over recent months I’ve always been there for other people and perhaps a little too much, if anyone asks for help I’m always willing to help, if anyone is down I will try stupidly hard to cheer them up, and don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing it, but I think in giving other people all my time, I’ve let time for myself drift out the window, I’m becoming watered down almost. Now this isn’t an accusation against anyone I’ve helped in recent times cos most of you have helped me at some point too so I can’t fault you for that, its just a cumulative thing.
Anyway the point is. I think, I’m now on a mission to refind myself. Most aspects are still very much there, I am as determined as ever, as much up for a laugh as ever and as bloody stubborn as ever. But I need to re find the independence which I thrive on, and perhaps more than that, reflect on my priorities. I have an exam tomorrow and another one on Thursday but then essentially I am free until uni starts in September. As you all know by now, and if you don’t you must have been living in a cave, I’m going to America for three months this summer, until now I’d been seeing it as just an awesome experience, now I’m seeing it as a chance to get away, particularly it has to be said from the internet, which has been having a negative impact on me as of late. 3 months in a foreign country living and working with kids should, I hope, give me the time I need step back from thinking about being Clare, and just being her and getting on with it. So when I return in September beautifully tanned, I’ll have found myself without even trying. And then, when I click on my favourite favourite at the top of the screen and scream, “I’M BAAAAAACK!” I bloody well will be.
In hindsight this was a lot less emo than I thought it would be.
*gives myself a pat on the back*
'Pologies to anyone other than the FFTW crew, it was written originally for there and I can't be bothered to remove the references.
Sunday, 4 May 2008
A strangely musical blog.
Ok, so this is probably going to be the most disjointed blog in history primarily for the reason I've written/am writing it on about 7 million separate occasions as I don't have the time to set aside half an hour or whatever to write it. So therefore I'm doing it over little bursts, typically, as now, whilst eating cheerios. I have such a healthy breakfast in front of me, cheerios and blue bolt (rip off red bull). Can you tell I'm not getting much sleep at the moment? 
Yeah, so the reason for this is of course the joy that is exams. I haven't had a mental breakdown yet, so things are looking good, they're both next week which is a bit hardcore given its the first of three exam weeks, but still its quite nice cos I get to go home for a couple of weeks, with nothing to do! Well I think I'll be working for a couple of days, but nothing major. Then back to Nottingham for the Summer Party and the sports ball! And then . . . America baby!
But back to the here a
nd now, the weather is AMAZING at the moment, so warm and sunny and beautiful, I'm wearing shorts and a vest top today for example. Completely clear sky today actually. Ah I love the summer. I hate how the weather always gets amazing when its exams though, its really not conducive to doing any work, yesterday a few of my friends decided to revise outside, but I knew if I even attempted that I'd fall asleep in the sun, so dutifully off to the library I went. Good weather does make revision slightly more bearable at least cos it puts me in a good mood so I'm not fed up 99% of the time. I've been listening to a lot of summer-ish music recently too, its amazing the affect just a little bit of sun has on all aspects of life! So as well as the standard Bob Marley (sitting with the hockey team bobbing our heads in unison to Jammin' I think will be one of the highlights of my summer!), I've dug out one song in particular, John Legend -Ordinary People, it just has such an amazing summer vibe to it, so much so, that I'm sticking the video in my blog. So there.
Or rather I would be if, 'Embedding disabled by request'. Sheesh. Well go and listen to it anyway http://youtube.com/watch?v=7jQ4jO4AwFY. And yes that's an order.
In other music related news Ben very kindly sent me the new Pendulum album, In Silico, to me via the wonders of msn the other night. Now as you may or may not know this album was THE album I was most looking forward to getting since probably Stadium Arcadium by the Chilis which was a huge letdown. And maybe that should have warned me about looking forward to In Silico. I don't know, I've only listened to it a couple of times and it hasn't leaped out at me, but then Hold Your Colour didn't either for a long time. I'm also wary about using music genres because I can't define them well enough, but it seems to me that this has gone rockier, and although in the general scheme of things, I'm more a rock girl than a dance/drum n' bass girl, Pendulum I don't want rocky. Hmm.
Through lack of anything interesting happening in my life right now, I'm gonna continue the music theme. The other day when I was in the library I picked up a copy of The Mic, this is fairly obviously the music student magazine of Notts Uni (oh and its free!). Now I'm a massive fan of Impact, the general student magazine (and its award winning, so I'm justified!), but whenever I've had The Mic before I've found it all a bit daunting, and not easy to read. Now I don't know whether its because revision has made me sink to reading anything other than books on 16th and 17th century English religion, or whether I was quite simply an idiot before, but this magazine is brilliant!
My favourite article came in the form of 'MURDER ALERT: Your most loathed acts'. It was 
written my a number of the journalists and involved them ranting about their least favourite band ever, I think the following sentence in the section about Muse sums it up quite nicely, 'It's a controversial choice (what isn't - Ed)'. Basically if you've ever had a personal vendetta against any mainstream band this is the place to go. Many death threats (my favourite involving curing World Hunger by feeding them U2) and a couple of accusations of paedophilia (Billy Corgan) later, the music journalists of Nottingham Uni have attacked, The Arctic Monkeys, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Sex Pistols, U2 - 'more rock and roll in Dot Cotton's little finger', Queen, Kasabian, The Automatic, Pink Floyd - 'crock shit for pompous-dad rockers', Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cat Power, Bring Me The Horizon, Duffy, Gym Class Heroes, Turin Breaks, The View -'bloody well buy some new jeans', Soulja Boy, Usher - 'a moron', Guns 'n' Roses and finally my personal favourite, Muse - 'underwhelming'.
Whilst naturally I don't agree with all of them, Kasabian and the Chilis (although referring to them in intimate way is also frowned on by the author), most notably, some of them made me feel warm and fuzzy inside as someone agrees that U2 are past their sell by date AND MUSE ARE FUCKING UNDERWHELMING. Anyway it also made me think about which bands I'd like to eliminate off the face of the world, and I've narrowed it down to a top five.
In fifth place are Nirvana, now don't get me wrong. I don't dislike Nirvana as such, I hate the legacy that they've left behind in the form of 13 year old fan girls claiming Courtney Love murdered Kurt Cobain, were you even alive at the time? NO FUCK OFF. And I don't get the hype around him as a person either, he wasn't that great.
On a similar note, John Lennon post the Beatles. The Beatles in themselves are brilliant, I still love them, grown up with them etc etc. But John Lennon as a solo artist can die, oh wait he did. And that's exactly the point isn't it, he became a legend not for what he did, but for what he didn't do, and who's to say he was ever going to do it. Imagine repeatedly comes at the top of best song ever type charts, ok the lyrics are pretty special, but the melody isn't, and do I even need to mention the Christmas song with Yoko, cat screaming much?
Third spot goes to the ever irritating Girls Aloud, not only did their first song make me want to scrape my eyeballs out with a spoon, but their pretence at writing their own songs soon went out the window, and not only that, but they chose the worst songs to cover too, way to go girls.
Now this is possibly the hardest decision I've made all day, but I think U2 just take the biscuit from Muse, purely due to the 'BEST BAND IN THE WORLD EVER' nonsense that was around a few years ago, oh and Bono's ridiculous sunglasses.
Ah, that was a brilliant rant, I feel much better now. Not that I felt bad to start with. I'm sitting and waiting for abusive comments from Matty now.
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
Many adventures!
Well its been over a week, but I can't say I'm surprised, I have been so busy, and its been a bloody good week. I probably shouldn't be blogging now, given the minuscule amount of revision I've done, but I'm eating lunch, so if I don't do it now I never will, and I'll get nagged by my frequent readers, well Matty.
The days up til Friday weren't overly exciting, just relaxing and nice really, went to all you can eat Chinese on Thursday and was going to go to the Varsity (vs Trent uni) Hockey match in the evening, but I felt very full and it was raining so that soon lost its interest.
But this weekend was fantastic. On Saturday we had an all day hockey tournament, and it would be no exaggeration to say it was one of the best days at uni ever, up there alongside the summer party last year. The weather was perfect hockey playing weather, not too hot but warm enough and dry. Although as it turns out hot enough to burn horribly, I have never been so badly sun burnt in my life, that evening I was bright red, and the next day there was pus everywhere, lovely eh? I still have some gorgeous dry skin on my face, it is quite horrible to be honest, but the day was so good it didn't take away from it. I've said this before but I'll say it again, the hockey lot are some of the best people I've ever met, I don't know whether its the hockey which fosters the community spirit, but you are always guaranteed to have a fantastic day with them. It was actually 11-a-side on a full sized pitch which as I didn't go on tour I hadn't played since school, and in midfield I thought I might die. But as it turns out my fitness was better than I thought it was and I did well. Other than injuring myself within five minutes that is . . .
Yes, dangerous sport hockey. My hand got hit by a ball from about 2 metres away and it hurt like a bitch. I actually had dimples on my hand from the hockey ball, but after an hour or so hugging an ice pack I went on to play three more matches in true hockey player style, despite not actually being able to grip a hockey stick properly. Anyway at various points I couldn't move my fingers or wrist, it bloomed up to the size of the tennis ball and went a lovely purple colour, my knuckles are still beautifully black. Ah but that's all the fun of hockey. Anyway we came 5th out of 18 teams which wasn't bad at all, given some of the teams had illegal numbers of uni players on them, and we had the highest score of the tournament (5-0) due largely to Sam channelling his aggression from Man U losing in to the game, I would not have liked to be that goal keeper.
Anyway after we
all staggered home, Broadgate Hockey aren't famed for their warming up or cooling down, most of us met up again in the evening and went out. It was quite a quiet tame one by our standards as everyone was knackered and sun burnt but was still good fun, plus went to a couple of bars I hadn't been to before, The Hogshead (which was a bit like spoons but nicer and cheaper!), the Pit and Pendulum (which is a unique bar, I'll give it that, very gothic, and the toilets are behind a bookcase, pictured!) and the Bla Bla Bar (which was actually really nice, and opposite the Cookie Club so I'm sure we'll be back).
Then the next morning at some unearthly hour for a Sunday I got up to catch a train. Bumped into Jit on the bus which was nice cos I hadn't seen him in aaaages, Salma's birthday perhaps which was November. Then had the usual troubles with Sunday trains, was delayed in Derby for a good forty minutes in which time another train from Nottingham arrived, meaning I could have had an extra half an hour in bed! Anyway finally got to Oxford an hour late, where Mike and his girlfriend Fiona were there to meet me. I'd not met Fiona before but she seemed lovely, and a lot more rational than some of his ex-girlfriends, so maybe she won't hate me, we can live and hope.
Anyway we basically wondered around in circles that afternoon browsing through the shops, looking for a confirmation card for Mike's friend Ashley (a history student!), and trailing halfway across Oxford to a Christian bookshop only to realise it was a Sunday and thus closed. Then collapsed in Mike's room for a bit before going to Ashley's confirmation in the Chapel, Mike said I was more than welcome to stay in his room but I thought I'd come along out of curiosity really. Well it was all very religious and traditional with lots of the choir singing in Latin, even Ashley complained about it going on too long afterwards, still made me appreciate how dull church must have actually been for the people I'm reading about in my Protestant Nation module. Anyway after that we went into a bizarre room, for a strange tradition which as far as I can work out happens every time after chapel, which involves free alcohol, Oxford is a very odd place. They also have a Wine Cellar with very expensive old wine, which I fail to see the point of, surely students would rather buy a bottle of plonk from Tesco?
Then I even went to formal halls and wore a robe, which really wasn't half as
bad as I imagined, despite having to stand for the top table and the prayer in Latin before it began (granted this was vaguely comical as was recited by a Scouser). The food was pretty good too, much better than halls food last year that's for sure! Anyway that evening we spent in the college bar (which didn't sell Strongbow! I was devastated), playing pool and on the IT box, which was set on the hardest level ever designed for Oxford students. Then we went to an ice cream parlour at half 11 at night, which was odd, but good fun, and had the most amazing brownie sundaes in the world! We proceeded back to Richard's room, which was comically on a slant and the wall panels extremely wonky, still I envy it from my tiny little room here in Nottingham.
Didn't get up to much the next day to be honest, just strolled around, it decided to rain on us, we discussed newspapers in the college bar, went to the University of Oxford Press Shop, because I was so excited by it (anyone who reads a lot of scholarly books will understand that excitement), and to the Bodleian Library which is one of I think three copyright libraries in the country (one in Cambridge, and the British library) and therefore has pretty much every book in existence. Unfortunately we weren't allowed in as I am a lowly Nottingham Uni student but we wasted hours in the gift shop. And eventually we made it back to the train station, I nearly had a heart attack that I'd missed my train as I ran over the railway bridge, but turns out mine was late anyway! Only by a couple of minutes this time at least!
Wow, this has b
een a long entry of my doings, I can't imagine many people are still reading, but I'll round it off briefly with my adventures last night. We went to Oxjam, which was a charity gig for Oxfam surprisingly enough. It was in a venue above the bar Muse, which was so nice, I'd love to own a room like that, the stage was raised and it was so cosy and relaxed, the music wasn't bad either, very chilled out. Unfortunately we came back earlier than I wanted to really as Merel wasn't feeling well, and I didn't want to have to get a taxi back to Broadgate on my own, oh well, was still a good night before that!
And with that I'll leave you to carry on whatever it was you were doing before I so rudely interrupted you!
The days up til Friday weren't overly exciting, just relaxing and nice really, went to all you can eat Chinese on Thursday and was going to go to the Varsity (vs Trent uni) Hockey match in the evening, but I felt very full and it was raining so that soon lost its interest.
But this weekend was fantastic. On Saturday we had an all day hockey tournament, and it would be no exaggeration to say it was one of the best days at uni ever, up there alongside the summer party last year. The weather was perfect hockey playing weather, not too hot but warm enough and dry. Although as it turns out hot enough to burn horribly, I have never been so badly sun burnt in my life, that evening I was bright red, and the next day there was pus everywhere, lovely eh? I still have some gorgeous dry skin on my face, it is quite horrible to be honest, but the day was so good it didn't take away from it. I've said this before but I'll say it again, the hockey lot are some of the best people I've ever met, I don't know whether its the hockey which fosters the community spirit, but you are always guaranteed to have a fantastic day with them. It was actually 11-a-side on a full sized pitch which as I didn't go on tour I hadn't played since school, and in midfield I thought I might die. But as it turns out my fitness was better than I thought it was and I did well. Other than injuring myself within five minutes that is . . .
Yes, dangerous sport hockey. My hand got hit by a ball from about 2 metres away and it hurt like a bitch. I actually had dimples on my hand from the hockey ball, but after an hour or so hugging an ice pack I went on to play three more matches in true hockey player style, despite not actually being able to grip a hockey stick properly. Anyway at various points I couldn't move my fingers or wrist, it bloomed up to the size of the tennis ball and went a lovely purple colour, my knuckles are still beautifully black. Ah but that's all the fun of hockey. Anyway we came 5th out of 18 teams which wasn't bad at all, given some of the teams had illegal numbers of uni players on them, and we had the highest score of the tournament (5-0) due largely to Sam channelling his aggression from Man U losing in to the game, I would not have liked to be that goal keeper.
Anyway after we
all staggered home, Broadgate Hockey aren't famed for their warming up or cooling down, most of us met up again in the evening and went out. It was quite a quiet tame one by our standards as everyone was knackered and sun burnt but was still good fun, plus went to a couple of bars I hadn't been to before, The Hogshead (which was a bit like spoons but nicer and cheaper!), the Pit and Pendulum (which is a unique bar, I'll give it that, very gothic, and the toilets are behind a bookcase, pictured!) and the Bla Bla Bar (which was actually really nice, and opposite the Cookie Club so I'm sure we'll be back).Then the next morning at some unearthly hour for a Sunday I got up to catch a train. Bumped into Jit on the bus which was nice cos I hadn't seen him in aaaages, Salma's birthday perhaps which was November. Then had the usual troubles with Sunday trains, was delayed in Derby for a good forty minutes in which time another train from Nottingham arrived, meaning I could have had an extra half an hour in bed! Anyway finally got to Oxford an hour late, where Mike and his girlfriend Fiona were there to meet me. I'd not met Fiona before but she seemed lovely, and a lot more rational than some of his ex-girlfriends, so maybe she won't hate me, we can live and hope.
Anyway we basically wondered around in circles that afternoon browsing through the shops, looking for a confirmation card for Mike's friend Ashley (a history student!), and trailing halfway across Oxford to a Christian bookshop only to realise it was a Sunday and thus closed. Then collapsed in Mike's room for a bit before going to Ashley's confirmation in the Chapel, Mike said I was more than welcome to stay in his room but I thought I'd come along out of curiosity really. Well it was all very religious and traditional with lots of the choir singing in Latin, even Ashley complained about it going on too long afterwards, still made me appreciate how dull church must have actually been for the people I'm reading about in my Protestant Nation module. Anyway after that we went into a bizarre room, for a strange tradition which as far as I can work out happens every time after chapel, which involves free alcohol, Oxford is a very odd place. They also have a Wine Cellar with very expensive old wine, which I fail to see the point of, surely students would rather buy a bottle of plonk from Tesco?
Then I even went to formal halls and wore a robe, which really wasn't half as
bad as I imagined, despite having to stand for the top table and the prayer in Latin before it began (granted this was vaguely comical as was recited by a Scouser). The food was pretty good too, much better than halls food last year that's for sure! Anyway that evening we spent in the college bar (which didn't sell Strongbow! I was devastated), playing pool and on the IT box, which was set on the hardest level ever designed for Oxford students. Then we went to an ice cream parlour at half 11 at night, which was odd, but good fun, and had the most amazing brownie sundaes in the world! We proceeded back to Richard's room, which was comically on a slant and the wall panels extremely wonky, still I envy it from my tiny little room here in Nottingham.Didn't get up to much the next day to be honest, just strolled around, it decided to rain on us, we discussed newspapers in the college bar, went to the University of Oxford Press Shop, because I was so excited by it (anyone who reads a lot of scholarly books will understand that excitement), and to the Bodleian Library which is one of I think three copyright libraries in the country (one in Cambridge, and the British library) and therefore has pretty much every book in existence. Unfortunately we weren't allowed in as I am a lowly Nottingham Uni student but we wasted hours in the gift shop. And eventually we made it back to the train station, I nearly had a heart attack that I'd missed my train as I ran over the railway bridge, but turns out mine was late anyway! Only by a couple of minutes this time at least!
Wow, this has b
een a long entry of my doings, I can't imagine many people are still reading, but I'll round it off briefly with my adventures last night. We went to Oxjam, which was a charity gig for Oxfam surprisingly enough. It was in a venue above the bar Muse, which was so nice, I'd love to own a room like that, the stage was raised and it was so cosy and relaxed, the music wasn't bad either, very chilled out. Unfortunately we came back earlier than I wanted to really as Merel wasn't feeling well, and I didn't want to have to get a taxi back to Broadgate on my own, oh well, was still a good night before that!And with that I'll leave you to carry on whatever it was you were doing before I so rudely interrupted you!
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Perfectly tolerable.
Well I'm writing this as I'm in the mood to write a blog, but I don't really have anything planned to say, so I guess its just gonna be a bit of a splurge.
Um well I finally handed in that bloody extended essay that's been haunting me since about last September. I have no idea how well I'll do in it because I was just so fed up with it by the end, but once it was binded properly it looked really impressive! I also got back my two essays from before Easter, and got 69 one one, and 70 on the other (ie. a first and one off a first!), so so so so so so pleased! If I can finish the year on a high 2:1 I will be ecstatic! I know what you're thinking right now, all I can hear is blah blah blah, so I'll move on.
So last night it was the monthly Cock Soc, for those of you who don't know what this is yet, shame on you. Cocktail society, £1.50 cocktails for whatever cheap alcohol they can chuck together, its sooo bloody sweet. Then they give you those candy necklaces and the amount of sugar and alcohol just makes you feel really really sick. Combined with the cheesiest music known to man it is one hell of a night. Its normally fancy dress too, although we didn't do fancy dress this time, was meant to be Easter Bunnies (read: Sluts) and Wrestlers (read: excuse to show body off), there were so truly terrifying costumes and many a man in tights. Not that I'm complaining obviously! It got to about half one, and we decided we should probably go soon, cos I had a nine o'clock lecture this morning (which I made it to!) anyway, we did the usual, 'We'll leave at the next average song . . . we were still there half an hour later, I can't remember all of what was played, but it definitely included, Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger, The Killers - Mr Brightside, Pendulum - Slam, Dolly Parton - 9 to 5, S Club - Reach, Rihanna - Please Don't Stop The Music and more. Anyway, eventually went on the Grease medley, not that I don't love Grease, but I've heard it so many times in my life, one fewer isn't going to hurt!
Ah, good times. Anyway haven't been up to a lot
else, just bits of work and procrastination and dossing in front of iPlayer, 4oD or films. I'm hooked to I'd Do Anything now, its so bad, I love musicals so much and well its just addictive and rubbish to be honest. The Oliver's are too cute and I have to be honest I still giggle at the prospect of Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd Webber looking for Nancy's (joke done to death yet? I expect so). Anyway I love Jessie and her accent is soo adorable and her hair! Oh and Niamh (I think that's how its spelt, because she is sooo gorgeous, and Samantha cos she's just cute. Ahah, waffle waffle.
Just watched Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 version) again, seen it so many times now. I love it so so so much. I love the story, I've read it at least twice, I want to read it again sometime soon actually cos I haven't in ages. The characters in it are brilliant, I love Elizabeth Bennett to bits, easily my favourite literary heroine, she's so intelligent and sarcastic and beautiful but also a real person, with her faults. And lets be honest what woman doesn't want to find her Mr Darcy. I only learnt today why its called Pride and Prejudice, Darcy being the Pride and Elizabeth the Prejudice, alright laugh at me for being slow to catch on, but I love how they both finally overcome those and ahh happy ending! It always annoys me when people read Austen and say there's no sex in it, the film for example is a U, but to me that's missing half the point. The book is teeming with sex, there is so much sexual tension that had I been in the plot I'd probably have exploded or raped someone. I mean fair enough the film is a U cos kids don't pick up sexual tension, which actually was downplayed in the film as well, but seriously, IT'S FULL OF IT!
Anyway this adaption is so perfect! The cast are brilliant in their roles, I'm not a huge Knightley fan in general but her in this, and Atonement (don't start on me Matty, its a good enough film, but not on P and P level for me in terms of enjoyment) sold her to me as a serious actress. And Matthew Macfadyen (the dude from Spooks for those of you who don't know), is a very steamy Mr. Darcy who does the whole social ineptness perfectly. And I'm not normally a Donald Sutherland fan either but, he is sooooo good as Mr. Bennett. I could go on and on, Judi Dench is amazing as always in her minor role, and Simon Woods (who I have finally worked out I know from Rome) makes a very lovable Mr. Bingley, oh and the dude who plays Mr. Collins, Tom Hollander is perfect. I could actually go on forever, but I won't.
But I have to mention the scene, in the pouring rain when Darcy first tells Elizabeth he loves her, and she is all mad with him for fucking up Jane and Mr. Bingley. This is quite possibly one of my favourite scenes in a film ever. I'm not sure quite why I'm drawn to it so much. Darcy looks so damn hot, and the rain is melodramatic cliche at its best. I don't know, I'm no film director but it seems so perfect, so dramatic, so wonderful. And wow at the scenery! Ah I hope someone knows what I'm on about, Kayleigh was just a bit like, eh? Just watch and see yeah?
Ah I now have the biggest urge in the world to watch Rome and read Pride and Prejudice again, and with that I'll leave you fine people be.
Um well I finally handed in that bloody extended essay that's been haunting me since about last September. I have no idea how well I'll do in it because I was just so fed up with it by the end, but once it was binded properly it looked really impressive! I also got back my two essays from before Easter, and got 69 one one, and 70 on the other (ie. a first and one off a first!), so so so so so so pleased! If I can finish the year on a high 2:1 I will be ecstatic! I know what you're thinking right now, all I can hear is blah blah blah, so I'll move on.
So last night it was the monthly Cock Soc, for those of you who don't know what this is yet, shame on you. Cocktail society, £1.50 cocktails for whatever cheap alcohol they can chuck together, its sooo bloody sweet. Then they give you those candy necklaces and the amount of sugar and alcohol just makes you feel really really sick. Combined with the cheesiest music known to man it is one hell of a night. Its normally fancy dress too, although we didn't do fancy dress this time, was meant to be Easter Bunnies (read: Sluts) and Wrestlers (read: excuse to show body off), there were so truly terrifying costumes and many a man in tights. Not that I'm complaining obviously! It got to about half one, and we decided we should probably go soon, cos I had a nine o'clock lecture this morning (which I made it to!) anyway, we did the usual, 'We'll leave at the next average song . . . we were still there half an hour later, I can't remember all of what was played, but it definitely included, Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger, The Killers - Mr Brightside, Pendulum - Slam, Dolly Parton - 9 to 5, S Club - Reach, Rihanna - Please Don't Stop The Music and more. Anyway, eventually went on the Grease medley, not that I don't love Grease, but I've heard it so many times in my life, one fewer isn't going to hurt!
Ah, good times. Anyway haven't been up to a lot
else, just bits of work and procrastination and dossing in front of iPlayer, 4oD or films. I'm hooked to I'd Do Anything now, its so bad, I love musicals so much and well its just addictive and rubbish to be honest. The Oliver's are too cute and I have to be honest I still giggle at the prospect of Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd Webber looking for Nancy's (joke done to death yet? I expect so). Anyway I love Jessie and her accent is soo adorable and her hair! Oh and Niamh (I think that's how its spelt, because she is sooo gorgeous, and Samantha cos she's just cute. Ahah, waffle waffle.Just watched Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 version) again, seen it so many times now. I love it so so so much. I love the story, I've read it at least twice, I want to read it again sometime soon actually cos I haven't in ages. The characters in it are brilliant, I love Elizabeth Bennett to bits, easily my favourite literary heroine, she's so intelligent and sarcastic and beautiful but also a real person, with her faults. And lets be honest what woman doesn't want to find her Mr Darcy. I only learnt today why its called Pride and Prejudice, Darcy being the Pride and Elizabeth the Prejudice, alright laugh at me for being slow to catch on, but I love how they both finally overcome those and ahh happy ending! It always annoys me when people read Austen and say there's no sex in it, the film for example is a U, but to me that's missing half the point. The book is teeming with sex, there is so much sexual tension that had I been in the plot I'd probably have exploded or raped someone. I mean fair enough the film is a U cos kids don't pick up sexual tension, which actually was downplayed in the film as well, but seriously, IT'S FULL OF IT!
Anyway this adaption is so perfect! The cast are brilliant in their roles, I'm not a huge Knightley fan in general but her in this, and Atonement (don't start on me Matty, its a good enough film, but not on P and P level for me in terms of enjoyment) sold her to me as a serious actress. And Matthew Macfadyen (the dude from Spooks for those of you who don't know), is a very steamy Mr. Darcy who does the whole social ineptness perfectly. And I'm not normally a Donald Sutherland fan either but, he is sooooo good as Mr. Bennett. I could go on and on, Judi Dench is amazing as always in her minor role, and Simon Woods (who I have finally worked out I know from Rome) makes a very lovable Mr. Bingley, oh and the dude who plays Mr. Collins, Tom Hollander is perfect. I could actually go on forever, but I won't.
But I have to mention the scene, in the pouring rain when Darcy first tells Elizabeth he loves her, and she is all mad with him for fucking up Jane and Mr. Bingley. This is quite possibly one of my favourite scenes in a film ever. I'm not sure quite why I'm drawn to it so much. Darcy looks so damn hot, and the rain is melodramatic cliche at its best. I don't know, I'm no film director but it seems so perfect, so dramatic, so wonderful. And wow at the scenery! Ah I hope someone knows what I'm on about, Kayleigh was just a bit like, eh? Just watch and see yeah?
Ah I now have the biggest urge in the world to watch Rome and read Pride and Prejudice again, and with that I'll leave you fine people be.
Thursday, 17 April 2008
A new leaf
Last night, I started thinking due to a variety of factors that I'll get to in due course but, its made me decide, I'm gonna turn over a new leaf as cliched as that may seem, in many areas of my life. I should explain first, that I am no unhappy with my life, in fact far from it, I love life right now, I'm happier now than I've been in a long time if ever. I'm also happy with who I am as a person, sure I have my faults, don't we all, I swear too much, I drink too much, I think I can come across as arrogant, particularly online, and I make far too many racist jokes that will get me in trouble one day, but that being said, I like me. After all, its people's faults that make them interesting.
Anyway you may be asking, why then do you want to turn over a new leaf, why fix what ain't broke? But that's not the way I look at life, if you keep adapting things and making them better, then they'll never break right?
Well the impetus for this change came mainly from me finally accepting something I've known for a long time. My best friends are no longer who they used to be. When you've been best friends with someone for sixteen years its quite hard to accept that suddenly you're not anymore. I'm not going to go into details, because to be quite honest, you probably don't want to hear them and I'd probably cry if I recounted them. But in the last few months I've been leaning on different people in my times of need, and having fun with different people, my 'best' friends wouldn't even be able to tell me what I've been through recently. So yeah.
This could of course be seen as a negative thing, and could make me very depressed, but anyone who knows me even remotely well, will know Clare does not get depressed easily, and looks for the silver lining. And that's just it, of course there's an upside, it hasn't been that I've suddenly found I have no friends at all, I've just found friends in different people. Kayleigh has been the best flatmate I could possibly ask for, and although she's not one I talk to about how I feel overly, she's always there to have a laugh with and for me to rant at occasionally. The hockey lot at uni, I could NOT ASK for a better bunch of people to go out with and have a fantastic time. Similarly people at home I've known for years I'm suddenly closer to than before, Charlotte, we've grown up together, but suddenly, through bonding sessions involving alcohol, we'll actually have sensible conversations which don't involve curly hair and men in white coats.
Then of course there's the wonders of the Internet. FFTW has become such a great community already, and its a board I actually felt comfortable enough on to open up on completely on my eating disorder, something I've never done through fear of ridicule. I could go on all day to be honest about how wonderful various people have been to me at various points, but I shan't. That being said there's three who do need a special mentions. So in alphabetical order to prevent some kind of testosterone fuelled competition . . .
Ben, you have been so so lovely to me in recent months, conversations with you never fail to make me smile at some point, I've kept your letter and will for years to come I expect. Never ever change from the genuinely lovely caring person you are.
Callum, seriously the shit you've been through recently and still had time to listen to me moan. I'm forever gonna be grateful for talking to you about bulimia etc. it is soooo nice to find someone who actually understands. You're a great mate even if you're a crap ice skater. And a note to Lucie, this DOES NOT mean I fancy him, ok?
Finally Matty, you were getting worried I wasn't going to mention you then weren't you? But lets be honest how could I not? You have been the most fantastic friend to me over the last year now, you make me laugh probably more than anyone else, I can't actually put into words what I'm feeling tbh. I never thought I'd see the day when a 17 year old hairy metal head Avril fan from Wales would be one of my closest friends. Its a strange world.
Well this is a bloody long entry already and I still haven't reached the point. A new leaf.
Right basically, the first thing that's happening in this new leaf of mine has to be related to my diet. I obviously can't set myself specific targets as I'm gonna fail big time. I know I'm fit and healthy, so all I'm doing is starting a food diary, and actually keeping it. Instead of purging, I'm gonna go for a run, because running (if not around a hockey pitch) fucking kills me, so that way I'll be less likely to eat the crap in the first place.
Secondly, in terms of the Internet my patterns are changing. I've spent too long online for as long as I can remember. Now don't go worrying, I'm still gonna be around, but I'll not longer be on if I'm doing absolutely nothing but staring at random sites for hours on end or talking to people I just can't be that bothered with for hours on end. I'll still be around, but it'll either be less or I'll be doing something else at the same time, such as . . .
This leads me onto number three, I'm getting back into my creative side, I've claimed I've not had the time for this, and that's quite simply not true. The time I haven't had has been wasted on the Internet doing nothing constructive. I used to read a book a week, at uni that simply isn't practical as I spend all day reading history books but I'm gonna try damn hard to read one a month. I'm also gonna try and get back into my writing and drawing more, but of course that is to a large extent dependent on how creative I feel at any particular moment.
I also at least in the short term will have work very much at the forefront, as I'm sure most people will as I have exams that I need to do well in for two reasons, firstly I'd like to go into the third year with at least some pressure taken off and secondly, I bloody well don't want to have to cut my summer in America short to come back and take re-sits.
And lastly, there's a mental adjustment going on in my head right now. In terms of where my priorities lie, who I can depend on, where my life is going (I actually have to start making these decisions soon) and so on. Nothing is set in concrete all I'm doing is trying to turn over a new leaf, for myself and for the people around me.
My life looks bright right now, I'm going to America for three months this summer and I'm doing well at uni, adjustments occur and improvements are made. I just want to go into it all with the right mindset.
I really do apologise for how long this is!
Anyway you may be asking, why then do you want to turn over a new leaf, why fix what ain't broke? But that's not the way I look at life, if you keep adapting things and making them better, then they'll never break right?
Well the impetus for this change came mainly from me finally accepting something I've known for a long time. My best friends are no longer who they used to be. When you've been best friends with someone for sixteen years its quite hard to accept that suddenly you're not anymore. I'm not going to go into details, because to be quite honest, you probably don't want to hear them and I'd probably cry if I recounted them. But in the last few months I've been leaning on different people in my times of need, and having fun with different people, my 'best' friends wouldn't even be able to tell me what I've been through recently. So yeah.
This could of course be seen as a negative thing, and could make me very depressed, but anyone who knows me even remotely well, will know Clare does not get depressed easily, and looks for the silver lining. And that's just it, of course there's an upside, it hasn't been that I've suddenly found I have no friends at all, I've just found friends in different people. Kayleigh has been the best flatmate I could possibly ask for, and although she's not one I talk to about how I feel overly, she's always there to have a laugh with and for me to rant at occasionally. The hockey lot at uni, I could NOT ASK for a better bunch of people to go out with and have a fantastic time. Similarly people at home I've known for years I'm suddenly closer to than before, Charlotte, we've grown up together, but suddenly, through bonding sessions involving alcohol, we'll actually have sensible conversations which don't involve curly hair and men in white coats.
Then of course there's the wonders of the Internet. FFTW has become such a great community already, and its a board I actually felt comfortable enough on to open up on completely on my eating disorder, something I've never done through fear of ridicule. I could go on all day to be honest about how wonderful various people have been to me at various points, but I shan't. That being said there's three who do need a special mentions. So in alphabetical order to prevent some kind of testosterone fuelled competition . . .
Ben, you have been so so lovely to me in recent months, conversations with you never fail to make me smile at some point, I've kept your letter and will for years to come I expect. Never ever change from the genuinely lovely caring person you are.
Callum, seriously the shit you've been through recently and still had time to listen to me moan. I'm forever gonna be grateful for talking to you about bulimia etc. it is soooo nice to find someone who actually understands. You're a great mate even if you're a crap ice skater. And a note to Lucie, this DOES NOT mean I fancy him, ok?
Finally Matty, you were getting worried I wasn't going to mention you then weren't you? But lets be honest how could I not? You have been the most fantastic friend to me over the last year now, you make me laugh probably more than anyone else, I can't actually put into words what I'm feeling tbh. I never thought I'd see the day when a 17 year old hairy metal head Avril fan from Wales would be one of my closest friends. Its a strange world.
Well this is a bloody long entry already and I still haven't reached the point. A new leaf.
Right basically, the first thing that's happening in this new leaf of mine has to be related to my diet. I obviously can't set myself specific targets as I'm gonna fail big time. I know I'm fit and healthy, so all I'm doing is starting a food diary, and actually keeping it. Instead of purging, I'm gonna go for a run, because running (if not around a hockey pitch) fucking kills me, so that way I'll be less likely to eat the crap in the first place.
Secondly, in terms of the Internet my patterns are changing. I've spent too long online for as long as I can remember. Now don't go worrying, I'm still gonna be around, but I'll not longer be on if I'm doing absolutely nothing but staring at random sites for hours on end or talking to people I just can't be that bothered with for hours on end. I'll still be around, but it'll either be less or I'll be doing something else at the same time, such as . . .
This leads me onto number three, I'm getting back into my creative side, I've claimed I've not had the time for this, and that's quite simply not true. The time I haven't had has been wasted on the Internet doing nothing constructive. I used to read a book a week, at uni that simply isn't practical as I spend all day reading history books but I'm gonna try damn hard to read one a month. I'm also gonna try and get back into my writing and drawing more, but of course that is to a large extent dependent on how creative I feel at any particular moment.
I also at least in the short term will have work very much at the forefront, as I'm sure most people will as I have exams that I need to do well in for two reasons, firstly I'd like to go into the third year with at least some pressure taken off and secondly, I bloody well don't want to have to cut my summer in America short to come back and take re-sits.
And lastly, there's a mental adjustment going on in my head right now. In terms of where my priorities lie, who I can depend on, where my life is going (I actually have to start making these decisions soon) and so on. Nothing is set in concrete all I'm doing is trying to turn over a new leaf, for myself and for the people around me.
My life looks bright right now, I'm going to America for three months this summer and I'm doing well at uni, adjustments occur and improvements are made. I just want to go into it all with the right mindset.
I really do apologise for how long this is!
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
A bit of a random one.
So I was originally going to write this last night, but 2 triples and 2 cans of strongbow provided me with more of a challenge to my motor skills than I imagined, I'm becoming a light weight in my old age. In fairness this was probably a good thing, as if I hadn't noticeably been able to feel the effects of alcohol I probably would have done the next day when I reread what I thought was a perfectly coherent blog.
As you may have guessed, I'm back in the gun capital of the UK, and how I have missed it. Its funny last year i was never that desperate to get back to uni, looking back on it, I was surprisingly lonely for great chunks of last year and I didn't really notice except on off days, on which I'd do something radical and go to Oxford for the day (which for anyone planning to do so, isn't such a great idea, I had to get up at 6 and wasn't home til 11, and had to sit on a train back from Birmingham with a whole load of drunk Derby football fans). I think it came from ending a 2 year relationship and then despite having a huge group of friends at university not having one or two close friends. I never realised how important that was until last year, I guess I've always been lucky to have that close friend in my life. Anyway not the case this year! Due to the wonders of Kayleigh! Still got my huge group of friends plus a best friend. Ick how I hate the term best friend. Anyway that was a bit of a detour. Yeh I am so glad to be back, I enjoyed my Easter a hell of a lot but by the last few days I was ready to come back.
Having said that, I haven't been up to much since I got back. Mainly cos this bleeding essay is still hanging over my head. I hate long deadlines, they go on forever and ever and ever and by the end you really just don't care anymore. Still only 1500 words to go now, the end might just about be in sight, I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow, then go and get it bound (yes we have to get it ring bound, how stupid!), and ready to hand in for next Wednesday. So other than that haven't been up to much, obviously went out last night, just a quiet one with Kayleigh and her girlfriend, Shiv, who is lovely, she told me I had good legs, haha. Yeh we went to BZR, which is perhaps my favourite bar in Nottingham, not only do they sell triples for £2.50 (I know!), but I love (as nerdy as it sounds) the architecture, and they normally play amazing music, although I have to say last night was a bit of a let down on that front. But that is DEFINITELY where I'm headed for my 21st next year, I know a bit of forward planning given I'm only 19 still, but I'm not even in the country for my 20th, so its allowed.
Um what else? Well I went to my nine o'clock lecture this morning. Yes I know, congratulate me! Oh on Sunday evening Kayleigh and I did our usual film watching with baileys and ice cream. We watched Hitch, which I had seen before, but couldn't remember particularly well. It has Will Smith in it, doesn't really need anything else. Nice feel good, funny, light hearted film though which was nice. On the film front I also watched Romeo and Juliet on the TV the other day, the Baz Luhrman version, I love love love that film. I'm gonna buy it on Amazon, unfortunately its only £4 so nowhere near the price for free postage and I don't actually want anything else at the moment, although Kayleigh said she wanted something so we might be good.
And yeah I'm gonna leave it at that as I have a seminar to run to. Sorry for the random babblings in this entry!
As you may have guessed, I'm back in the gun capital of the UK, and how I have missed it. Its funny last year i was never that desperate to get back to uni, looking back on it, I was surprisingly lonely for great chunks of last year and I didn't really notice except on off days, on which I'd do something radical and go to Oxford for the day (which for anyone planning to do so, isn't such a great idea, I had to get up at 6 and wasn't home til 11, and had to sit on a train back from Birmingham with a whole load of drunk Derby football fans). I think it came from ending a 2 year relationship and then despite having a huge group of friends at university not having one or two close friends. I never realised how important that was until last year, I guess I've always been lucky to have that close friend in my life. Anyway not the case this year! Due to the wonders of Kayleigh! Still got my huge group of friends plus a best friend. Ick how I hate the term best friend. Anyway that was a bit of a detour. Yeh I am so glad to be back, I enjoyed my Easter a hell of a lot but by the last few days I was ready to come back.
Having said that, I haven't been up to much since I got back. Mainly cos this bleeding essay is still hanging over my head. I hate long deadlines, they go on forever and ever and ever and by the end you really just don't care anymore. Still only 1500 words to go now, the end might just about be in sight, I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow, then go and get it bound (yes we have to get it ring bound, how stupid!), and ready to hand in for next Wednesday. So other than that haven't been up to much, obviously went out last night, just a quiet one with Kayleigh and her girlfriend, Shiv, who is lovely, she told me I had good legs, haha. Yeh we went to BZR, which is perhaps my favourite bar in Nottingham, not only do they sell triples for £2.50 (I know!), but I love (as nerdy as it sounds) the architecture, and they normally play amazing music, although I have to say last night was a bit of a let down on that front. But that is DEFINITELY where I'm headed for my 21st next year, I know a bit of forward planning given I'm only 19 still, but I'm not even in the country for my 20th, so its allowed.
Um what else? Well I went to my nine o'clock lecture this morning. Yes I know, congratulate me! Oh on Sunday evening Kayleigh and I did our usual film watching with baileys and ice cream. We watched Hitch, which I had seen before, but couldn't remember particularly well. It has Will Smith in it, doesn't really need anything else. Nice feel good, funny, light hearted film though which was nice. On the film front I also watched Romeo and Juliet on the TV the other day, the Baz Luhrman version, I love love love that film. I'm gonna buy it on Amazon, unfortunately its only £4 so nowhere near the price for free postage and I don't actually want anything else at the moment, although Kayleigh said she wanted something so we might be good.
And yeah I'm gonna leave it at that as I have a seminar to run to. Sorry for the random babblings in this entry!
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Sixteen years.
Something a bit different for you all today!
The sun had blessed the rain drenched earth all day but as I stepped onto the doorstep it began to fall once more. Grabbing an umbrella from the coat stand I yelled my farewells, but as usual they went unnoticed. I could hear them even after the door slammed, the raised voices and strained patience. “Only two days”, I murmur under my breath.
The car sat unused on the drive, I could easily have taken it, but I fancied the walk to clear my mind. A walk I’d done for years, sixteen to be precise. Sixteen years and it had come to this. My drive gave way to the lane, and despite the rain I couldn’t help but run my fingers along the tall crumbling wall. Surprised once more that two grooves did not follow this path, as my footprints followed a younger, more innocent, less troubled Clare to her best friend’s home.
The apprehension was unbearable, and incomprehensible. Sixteen years we’d spent side by side, sharing firsts and most likely lasts. Always been the one I’d turn to in moments of worry, and strife, but happiness too. We’d shared our dreams on that park bench, those toilet blocks, the pub garden. But now a stranger I saw in my best friend’s eyes, heard in her words. Sixteen years for this?
I’d reached the end of the road by now and turned to pass the church and graveyard. My thoughts flickered inevitably to Richard, the one I’d never had the chance to know, but whose loss I felt all the same. It was him who made me strive every day, it was for him I lived two lives. Subconsciously I whispered the words that kept his memory alive, and paused despite the rain to bend and wipe the dirt from his small grave. Three weeks to sixteen years, to lose another would be to double the pain.
As I cross the old factory courtyard I glance across at the windows, images from Children of Men filter slowly past. The connection seemingly illogical, but the reality far from it. I pause again and my fingers close tightly around the wired fence, desolation makes me whole, gives me hope and m heart surges with a new found gratefulness. I tear myself away and quicken my pace, soon reaching the stream.
Absentmindedly I realise it is him that my mind has rested on, as it so often does nowadays. He encapsulates something for me that I am yet to put a finger on, his kind heart and warm words disarm my naturally sarcastic defences, I melt, who’d have thought? And still this goes unnoticed, I’m a better person, yet he believes it is him who is. A conviction too strong to argue with despite its falsity. As one life dies, another blossoms. Sixteen years.
Finally I near the end, her house rises in front of me, and I can’t help but smile. True my gut feels as if its wrenched in two, but too many fond memories can be found within these walls to erase the glow. I pace stealthily up the drive and pause at the door, stealing myself to knock, and brush the cobwebs from my mind. Gulping down the rising knot I sigh. Sixteen years, per omnia saecola saeculorum.
The sun had blessed the rain drenched earth all day but as I stepped onto the doorstep it began to fall once more. Grabbing an umbrella from the coat stand I yelled my farewells, but as usual they went unnoticed. I could hear them even after the door slammed, the raised voices and strained patience. “Only two days”, I murmur under my breath.
The car sat unused on the drive, I could easily have taken it, but I fancied the walk to clear my mind. A walk I’d done for years, sixteen to be precise. Sixteen years and it had come to this. My drive gave way to the lane, and despite the rain I couldn’t help but run my fingers along the tall crumbling wall. Surprised once more that two grooves did not follow this path, as my footprints followed a younger, more innocent, less troubled Clare to her best friend’s home.
The apprehension was unbearable, and incomprehensible. Sixteen years we’d spent side by side, sharing firsts and most likely lasts. Always been the one I’d turn to in moments of worry, and strife, but happiness too. We’d shared our dreams on that park bench, those toilet blocks, the pub garden. But now a stranger I saw in my best friend’s eyes, heard in her words. Sixteen years for this?
I’d reached the end of the road by now and turned to pass the church and graveyard. My thoughts flickered inevitably to Richard, the one I’d never had the chance to know, but whose loss I felt all the same. It was him who made me strive every day, it was for him I lived two lives. Subconsciously I whispered the words that kept his memory alive, and paused despite the rain to bend and wipe the dirt from his small grave. Three weeks to sixteen years, to lose another would be to double the pain.
As I cross the old factory courtyard I glance across at the windows, images from Children of Men filter slowly past. The connection seemingly illogical, but the reality far from it. I pause again and my fingers close tightly around the wired fence, desolation makes me whole, gives me hope and m heart surges with a new found gratefulness. I tear myself away and quicken my pace, soon reaching the stream.
Absentmindedly I realise it is him that my mind has rested on, as it so often does nowadays. He encapsulates something for me that I am yet to put a finger on, his kind heart and warm words disarm my naturally sarcastic defences, I melt, who’d have thought? And still this goes unnoticed, I’m a better person, yet he believes it is him who is. A conviction too strong to argue with despite its falsity. As one life dies, another blossoms. Sixteen years.
Finally I near the end, her house rises in front of me, and I can’t help but smile. True my gut feels as if its wrenched in two, but too many fond memories can be found within these walls to erase the glow. I pace stealthily up the drive and pause at the door, stealing myself to knock, and brush the cobwebs from my mind. Gulping down the rising knot I sigh. Sixteen years, per omnia saecola saeculorum.
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