Wow, this blog is quite intimidating to write as I have done SO much in the last few days, I dread to think what it'll be like when I get back from America. I remember when I went o Argentina for a month back in 2005, I tried to keep a diary (bear in mind I did successfully kept a diary for 4 years), but the days were so long and so full that I got behind, and ended up writing up several days at a time and it was just such hard work. Anyway I shall get on with it.

Firstly of course I sat my last exam on Thursday, which I think went alright, well enough at least, I even did the question on medieval urbanization after complaining about it so much. I then struggled to go to the doctors and stay awake paid £60 for someone to tell me I was a healthy weight and fitness came back and went to bed. Anyway the next couple of days involved drinking, shopping, sleeping, and watching Jar head. Excellent film, HOT actor, the whole no hair, no clothes thing worked nicely too. Nice in depth review for you there.

And then on Saturday I went to London! Seriously probably the best four days of 2008 so far, or at least best cluster of days. The bus journey there was just painful, the fat dude in front of me reclined his chair and then some silly little Asian woman sat next to me so I had like no space to move, coupled with the fact it is now law to wear a seat belt, the bottom half of my body went completely numb. I did have a nice text conversation with someone I hadn't heard from in ages, simply as the bus stopped in Milton Keynes where he lives. Anyway got to London eventually then had to make it across London to where my friend Charlotte lives. She's only in zone two so its not actually that far, however she happens to love at the end of the one tube line (The East London line) which is closed for improvements and extensions due to the Olympic games, so we had to take an overground train as well, still it wasn't too bad, not rush hour or anything.

After bumming around for a bit we decided to go to Harrods as I'd never been and Charlotte hadn't been whilst actually living in London. We spent literally about 3 hours walking around it just looking at everything and pretending we had enough money to buy things. I felt like such a tramp walking around the designer clothes in ripped jeans and a university hoodie. I enjoyed laughing at the flip flops which were £499 however. We decided that we really wanted to buy something though, mainly for the bag, so we found some amazing pens which had hands on the end, and were within our budget as they cost £1.95. Then the till wouldn't work properly and the sales assistant joked that we'd broken it by spending too much, haha, that was so much funnier at the time than it is in text. After that we went back to Charlotte's flat again cos it was freezing and we couldn't think of anything better to do really.

In the evening we had a huge debate about whether to go out or not, but we decided against it as by the time we would have got there it would have been £9 to get in and then expensive drinks and we're both cheapskates and I was exhausted. Instead we took the bus into the centre which takes a lot longer than the train but you get to see more of the sights as it goes through Westminster etc. although it was pretty much dark by this time as we left about half ten ish. Got off at Piccadilly Circus which was packed, being a Saturday night but an amazing atmosphere that I've never experienced before, it was a weekend a bit like that actually. Anyhow wondered through Leicester Square and eventually stumbled across what we'd been looking for, China Town! Again somewhere I've never been on my trips to London, its not huge, but still really busy even at quarter to midnight which it was by then. So yeah we went for a Chinese meal at midnight, in a restaurant Charlotte had only ever been to when completely wasted, which although not much of a recommendation proved good enough as the food was amazing. We ended up ordering far too much, overhearing a conversation between a man and a woman on the next table which was very deep and concerned childhood abuse etc. we couldn't for the life of us work out what the relationship was between them, although I hope for the sake of the bloke it wasn't a first date, cos that woman was a lunatic if it was. Then we drank more Chinese tea than can be healthy and left the restaurant at half one feeling like a giant vat of water.

Needless to say the next morning we did not get up very early. When we eventually did we went to Spitalfield Market, yet another place I'd never been, but it was amazing. I could have spent sooo much money, I restrained myself though and bought only a lovely new purse, a couple of scarves, a poster and an old copy of Pride and Prejudice, cos we only have hardback leather bound version. Again it was a really different atmosphere to I was used to, much less touristy than the parts of London I know, then we wondered down Brick Lane where all the indie kids hang out. Some amazing retro clothes shops down there, but I'd already spent far too much money that day so I resisted. We went to the most amazing American diner though and had fries and the most orgasmic milkshakes the world has ever witnessed. Chocolate with peanut butter added for 50p more, it was like a liquid snickers, OMGOSH so good.

When we finally decided to brave the cold again, it was freezing in London this weekend we went to Covent Garden through lack of anything better to do. First of all we watched some crazy guy battle his way out of a straight jacket, which he nearly didn't manage actually. Then an even crazier guy stripped off down to only some ridiculously small gold shiny pants, and juggled a chain saw. One of the funniest things I've seen actually his act, but again not something that I can put across in text I don't think. Didn't get up to much that evening, Charlotte had work she had to do,and I bummed around in front of the film Honey, as I'd never seen it, and Charlotte's film collection is notoriously awful. The problem with this film, is not even is the plot rubbish, but the dancing is too, oh well.

Anyway on Monday Charlotte had uni so I got most of the day to bum around on my own. Started off on Oxford Street as that was where her classes were. I tried desperately hard not to spend too much money, and failed, I did buy my dad and my brother their birthday presents though which was good of me. Ate lunch people watching at Trafalgar Square then went to the National Portrait Museum which I've been to before but love, and its free. I spent absolutely hour sin the Tudor rooms, being a complete and utter history geek, reading every single little sign. It just seems amazing to me, that the pictures you see in all the textbooks, were right there, in front of me, ah, GEEK. I decided to be a proper tourist and went to the Houses of Parliament and Big Ben for a bit, just from the outside, although I wish I'd gone inside I'd probably have seen some of the debates about Abortion which were pretty lively from what I saw on the news, ah well, I don't know how easy it is to get in there nowadays anyway. From there I wondered up to the London eye and talked to a crazy drunk man, he was very friendly though.

When I met back up with Charlotte at London Bridge station we finally had the Krisy Kreme we'd been craving for days, and damn was it good.In the evening we had the usual dilemma of where to go out and instead decided to have a mini cocktail, drinking games night in instead. That was after helping Charlotte's friend Rupert film some UFOs, which he later edited into a video with a Pendulum soundtrack, I wish I could remember the youtube address. I am so jealous of their courses, they all look so much fun! So yeah we all got rather drunk, Charlotte managed to break her flatmate Romy's finger by trapping it in the window, I got two hours sleep then had to run across London via Waterloo to drop off my bag to the US Embassy.

The embassy wasn't half as bad as I expected actually, I was in there less than 45 minutes, and the whole process including the queue took little over an hour. I had to have all my fingerprints taken which is a bit extreme but other than that the security wasn't particularly over the top. So until my bus I went to the V and A, which I love to bits. Unfortunately I was knackered and nearly fell asleep on the tube, so didn't really have the energy to look round everywhere. still i looked round a fantastic exhibition on books, and some of the other ones, then got the tube to Leicester Square an date MacDonald's in the sun, classy I know, before going to Waterloo and collecting my bag. Nearly dying carrying it across London and getting my bus home.

So yeah, bloody good few days. Bloody long blog post. Good times.

Completely pointless blog.

Ok so basically I’m blogging because Matty bugged me too. I am sitting here now thinking, what the hell am I going to talk about? As I have actually NOTHING to say.

So right the other day I did some revision, and then you’ll never guess what, the next day I did some MORE revision. Exciting stuff eh? I bet you are all jealous of my life! I lie actually, yesterday I actually did something slightly different, I sat an exam! I won’t bore you with the details of that one but I think it went alright, I basically have to chose three essay questions out of ten, and I had two good question and one alright one, so I can’t complain. Three hour exams suck big time though, when I come out I am completely exhausted. Georgie didn’t think she was alright to drive when we came out, she’d only had an hour and a half’s sleep the night before too, so we grabbed ice creams and sat by the lakeside for a bit, which was nice.

The lakeside is lovely actually, we have a beautiful campus but the lake really wins, especially towards the far end with the café and the art gallery, where dare I say it, THE GENERAL PUBLIC chill out as well. Its funny living on a campus or in a student area, its not often you see kids, its almost nice when you go down to the lakeside and see them bawling their eyes out, reminds you there actually is a world outside the little bubble of studentdom.

The weather is still stunning, today wasn’t quite so nice, a lot cooler though which is actually a bit of a blessing working in the heat is unbearable, and cooking, yuck. I’m hoping this isn’t the end of the nice weather what with finishing my exams on Thursday but knowing sods law it will be. I’m already planning what to do once I finish, my exam ends at 12, but I have a doctor appointment which includes getting my blood pressure taken so that rules out drinking before 3. The annoying thing is none of my friends have finished exams so there’s no one around willing to get wasted with me. I think I’ve managed to talk Kayleigh into going to the SU Bar, Mooch (I know great name) with me in the evening cos she wants Strongbow, and their nachos are divine! So I’ll just have two pints to her one and it’ll be a good enough way to relax, and one I bloody well need I’ll tell you that.

On Friday I am thinking recovery through shopping. I really want a nice summery dress, I have the hockey formal in a couple of weeks time and although I have one I can wear, a girl always wants new dresses. I’ve been having a browse on the old internet and there are so many lovely dresses around at the moment, but buying them is never as easy as you hope! I love love love this one, http://www.newlook.co.uk/1404947/140494719/ProductDetails.aspx but I just know it’ll be too short on me. Ah well, I’m holding out for H&M I’ve had some lovely (and cheap!) dresses from there before. I also need a new bikini, one isn’t going to last me the summer if I’m swim teaching. And I really want an identical pair of flip-flops to the ones I got from Primark a few weeks ago because I have never ever worn a pair so comfortable in my life.

Then afterwards if its still nice weather I think I’m gonna head off to Wollaton Park which is like twenty minutes from my house, or five minutes off of the North Side of campus, and lie in the sun with a book. Wollaton Park is gorgeous with a lovely old house, which I’ve actually not been into and a mahoosive lake. I’ve only been a couple of times, but its so relaxed, seems completely out of the city almost, fantastic for walking or running around as well, but I doubt I’ll have the energy for that.

And then on Saturday I’m going to London, woop! Staying with my friend Charlotte as she seems to be about the only person in the world who doesn’t have exams because she studies fashion! Looking forward to being a general geeky tourist, I have all day Monday to myself as she has uni all day, so I’ll get to explore. Then a visa appointment on Tuesday, I’m expecting to be in the US embassy allllll day, the most ridiculous thing though, is that because they now take all ten finger prints, if I get a cut on ANY of my fingers they have to cancel the appointment, and thus leave it too late for my flight out to America now. Just to prove I’m not a bloody criminal, its ridiculous.

On a final note, I’m going to be a millionaire. Kayleigh and I had an amazing idea over dinner, we’re gonna set up a business where you can ring a number and it’ll talk to you, or text a number and it’ll text you back. So you can look popular if needs be, or avoid someone! How many times have you, or have you seen someone blatantly pretend to be on the phone to avoid talking to someone! They’ll be automated conversations, and may even give instructions like, ‘Say yes now’ for those people who are hopeless actors. Someone is now about to tell me this company already exists and I’ll be devastated.

Completely pointless blog over and out.

A blog that will no doubt be deleted

. . . at a future date, as I fear it may be very emo and turn into a bit of a rant. Nonetheless my blog section is empty and I really need just to write this uninterrupted to give myself time to think and clarify things in my own head.

As most of you probably know from my moanings across FFTW in the last couple of days, I’ve been a tad bit stressed. Exams always do this to me, exams or essay deadlines at least. However believe it or not that’s actually only a recent development, during A levels and GCSEs and even in my first year at uni last year, I never had the problems I seem to have this year. Granted every year is gonna get more intense etc. etc. but this is a sudden leap and I don’t like it.

Its not even the stress per se which is the problem, it’s the side effects of it. Physically I’ve been a wreck, I’ve barely eaten or slept in days, and when I have I’ve eaten crap (a whole 12 inch takeaway pizza, yuck) and had horrible dreams. I have bags under my eyes the size of China and more headaches than normal. I’m emotionally a wreck, I’ve cried more in the last couple of weeks than probably since January or even before put together. And worst of all, as per usual, I’ve pushed away from me the people I care about, I do this every single fucking time! I’ve lost a best friend of 16 years in the last few weeks, although granted not entirely my doing, I’ve made my mum cry which is an absolutely horrible thing to do to your own mother, I’ve pissed other friends off to the extent they are avoiding me until exams are over and I’ve lost someone that could have potentially been a very good friend, as I have far less control over my mouth and temper when I’m stressed, at the expense of other peoples feelings.

Anyway, blatant moan paragraph out of the way. I feel a bit like a broken record, as it always seems to happen nowadays. People have as always in their unfaltering patience been there for me, and I could name drop all I wanted but they know who they are, and know how grateful I am to them for never giving up on me, and not getting bored of my ‘ZOMG I’M SO STRESSED, LIKE I WANT TO CRY, FUCKING PEOPLE’ rants. But all of this has called into question who I actually am.

Callum said something last night which made me think, looking back on it, he may well have already been sloshed, but still it seemed to make a lot of sense nonetheless. He said to me, you seem to be overly consumed in who Clare is, and I think he has a point. I seem to be suffering a bit of an identity crisis almost. Since I don’t know maybe 2 years ago when I started uni, I’ve always known who I was, and always liked who I was, sure I’ve changed in that time, in confidence more than anything and sure I have my faults, don’t we all? That’s what makes people so fascinating. But the point is I’ve always known who I was and been happy with that, until recently.What first made me think this, is what I see as an over-dependence on people. I’ve always prided myself on being independent, sure I need some people around, but I don’t like having to rely solely on other people and not myself. This is reflected perhaps more online than elsewhere. I think I’m safe in saying that pretty much everyone here knows who Clare is, the fundamentals I mean, like what subject I do at uni, how old I am, what uni I’m at, some of my main viewpoints and likes and dislikes etc. But I doubt many of you could tell me a lot more, and there’s a reason for that, whilst I’m perfectly willing to tell of past stories, I’m very reluctant of telling people what I’m thinking at any particular time in great depth, and as a result most people here, don’t really know me. I think I can count the number of people (online) that have really got to know Clare inside and out with all her faults, on two fingers both of whom I’ve known for more than a year, this even discounts people I’ve leant on recently in times of need. Everyone else sees the Clare that faces the world, the tough Clare, the generally happy Clare, the sarcastic Clare. I was once told by someone I worked with that I was the most genuine person he’s ever met, which to this day I’ve viewed as one of the biggest compliments I have ever received. And I’d still like to think I was true, I haven’t been lying to any of you like some people we could mention, you just haven’t seen the whole picture, you’ve seen one side of Clare, the public face, the defence mechanism, the strong independent Clare. The point is I think that I seem to be losing that more and more recently, it is becoming more and more just a face to put on the world, as I’ve leant on more people and not been able to get by on my own. I seem to be losing the very essence which is Clare. Or at least, what I see to be Clare.

So time for the accusations? This will sound incredibly selfish but I think over recent months I’ve always been there for other people and perhaps a little too much, if anyone asks for help I’m always willing to help, if anyone is down I will try stupidly hard to cheer them up, and don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing it, but I think in giving other people all my time, I’ve let time for myself drift out the window, I’m becoming watered down almost. Now this isn’t an accusation against anyone I’ve helped in recent times cos most of you have helped me at some point too so I can’t fault you for that, its just a cumulative thing.

Anyway the point is. I think, I’m now on a mission to refind myself. Most aspects are still very much there, I am as determined as ever, as much up for a laugh as ever and as bloody stubborn as ever. But I need to re find the independence which I thrive on, and perhaps more than that, reflect on my priorities. I have an exam tomorrow and another one on Thursday but then essentially I am free until uni starts in September. As you all know by now, and if you don’t you must have been living in a cave, I’m going to America for three months this summer, until now I’d been seeing it as just an awesome experience, now I’m seeing it as a chance to get away, particularly it has to be said from the internet, which has been having a negative impact on me as of late. 3 months in a foreign country living and working with kids should, I hope, give me the time I need step back from thinking about being Clare, and just being her and getting on with it. So when I return in September beautifully tanned, I’ll have found myself without even trying. And then, when I click on my favourite favourite at the top of the screen and scream, “I’M BAAAAAACK!” I bloody well will be.

In hindsight this was a lot less emo than I thought it would be.
*gives myself a pat on the back*


'Pologies to anyone other than the FFTW crew, it was written originally for there and I can't be bothered to remove the references.

A strangely musical blog.

Ok, so this is probably going to be the most disjointed blog in history primarily for the reason I've written/am writing it on about 7 million separate occasions as I don't have the time to set aside half an hour or whatever to write it. So therefore I'm doing it over little bursts, typically, as now, whilst eating cheerios. I have such a healthy breakfast in front of me, cheerios and blue bolt (rip off red bull). Can you tell I'm not getting much sleep at the moment?

Yeah, so the reason for this is of course the joy that is exams. I haven't had a mental breakdown yet, so things are looking good, they're both next week which is a bit hardcore given its the first of three exam weeks, but still its quite nice cos I get to go home for a couple of weeks, with nothing to do! Well I think I'll be working for a couple of days, but nothing major. Then back to Nottingham for the Summer Party and the sports ball! And then . . . America baby!

But back to the here and now, the weather is AMAZING at the moment, so warm and sunny and beautiful, I'm wearing shorts and a vest top today for example. Completely clear sky today actually. Ah I love the summer. I hate how the weather always gets amazing when its exams though, its really not conducive to doing any work, yesterday a few of my friends decided to revise outside, but I knew if I even attempted that I'd fall asleep in the sun, so dutifully off to the library I went. Good weather does make revision slightly more bearable at least cos it puts me in a good mood so I'm not fed up 99% of the time. I've been listening to a lot of summer-ish music recently too, its amazing the affect just a little bit of sun has on all aspects of life! So as well as the standard Bob Marley (sitting with the hockey team bobbing our heads in unison to Jammin' I think will be one of the highlights of my summer!), I've dug out one song in particular, John Legend -Ordinary People, it just has such an amazing summer vibe to it, so much so, that I'm sticking the video in my blog. So there.

Or rather I would be if, 'Embedding disabled by request'. Sheesh. Well go and listen to it anyway http://youtube.com/watch?v=7jQ4jO4AwFY. And yes that's an order.

In other music related news Ben very kindly sent me the new Pendulum album, In Silico, to me via the wonders of msn the other night. Now as you may or may not know this album was THE album I was most looking forward to getting since probably Stadium Arcadium by the Chilis which was a huge letdown. And maybe that should have warned me about looking forward to In Silico. I don't know, I've only listened to it a couple of times and it hasn't leaped out at me, but then Hold Your Colour didn't either for a long time. I'm also wary about using music genres because I can't define them well enough, but it seems to me that this has gone rockier, and although in the general scheme of things, I'm more a rock girl than a dance/drum n' bass girl, Pendulum I don't want rocky. Hmm.

Through lack of anything interesting happening in my life right now, I'm gonna continue the music theme. The other day when I was in the library I picked up a copy of The Mic, this is fairly obviously the music student magazine of Notts Uni (oh and its free!). Now I'm a massive fan of Impact, the general student magazine (and its award winning, so I'm justified!), but whenever I've had The Mic before I've found it all a bit daunting, and not easy to read. Now I don't know whether its because revision has made me sink to reading anything other than books on 16th and 17th century English religion, or whether I was quite simply an idiot before, but this magazine is brilliant!

My favourite article came in the form of 'MURDER ALERT: Your most loathed acts'. It was written my a number of the journalists and involved them ranting about their least favourite band ever, I think the following sentence in the section about Muse sums it up quite nicely, 'It's a controversial choice (what isn't - Ed)'. Basically if you've ever had a personal vendetta against any mainstream band this is the place to go. Many death threats (my favourite involving curing World Hunger by feeding them U2) and a couple of accusations of paedophilia (Billy Corgan) later, the music journalists of Nottingham Uni have attacked, The Arctic Monkeys, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Sex Pistols, U2 - 'more rock and roll in Dot Cotton's little finger', Queen, Kasabian, The Automatic, Pink Floyd - 'crock shit for pompous-dad rockers', Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cat Power, Bring Me The Horizon, Duffy, Gym Class Heroes, Turin Breaks, The View -'bloody well buy some new jeans', Soulja Boy, Usher - 'a moron', Guns 'n' Roses and finally my personal favourite, Muse - 'underwhelming'.

Whilst naturally I don't agree with all of them, Kasabian and the Chilis (although referring to them in intimate way is also frowned on by the author), most notably, some of them made me feel warm and fuzzy inside as someone agrees that U2 are past their sell by date AND MUSE ARE FUCKING UNDERWHELMING. Anyway it also made me think about which bands I'd like to eliminate off the face of the world, and I've narrowed it down to a top five.

In fifth place are Nirvana, now don't get me wrong. I don't dislike Nirvana as such, I hate the legacy that they've left behind in the form of 13 year old fan girls claiming Courtney Love murdered Kurt Cobain, were you even alive at the time? NO FUCK OFF. And I don't get the hype around him as a person either, he wasn't that great.

On a similar note, John Lennon post the Beatles. The Beatles in themselves are brilliant, I still love them, grown up with them etc etc. But John Lennon as a solo artist can die, oh wait he did. And that's exactly the point isn't it, he became a legend not for what he did, but for what he didn't do, and who's to say he was ever going to do it. Imagine repeatedly comes at the top of best song ever type charts, ok the lyrics are pretty special, but the melody isn't, and do I even need to mention the Christmas song with Yoko, cat screaming much?

Third spot goes to the ever irritating Girls Aloud, not only did their first song make me want to scrape my eyeballs out with a spoon, but their pretence at writing their own songs soon went out the window, and not only that, but they chose the worst songs to cover too, way to go girls.

Now this is possibly the hardest decision I've made all day, but I think U2 just take the biscuit from Muse, purely due to the 'BEST BAND IN THE WORLD EVER' nonsense that was around a few years ago, oh and Bono's ridiculous sunglasses.

Ah, that was a brilliant rant, I feel much better now. Not that I felt bad to start with. I'm sitting and waiting for abusive comments from Matty now.