. . . at a future date, as I fear it may be very emo and turn into a bit of a rant. Nonetheless my blog section is empty and I really need just to write this uninterrupted to give myself time to think and clarify things in my own head.
As most of you probably know from my moanings across FFTW in the last couple of days, I’ve been a tad bit stressed. Exams always do this to me, exams or essay deadlines at least. However believe it or not that’s actually only a recent development, during A levels and GCSEs and even in my first year at uni last year, I never had the problems I seem to have this year. Granted every year is gonna get more intense etc. etc. but this is a sudden leap and I don’t like it.
Its not even the stress per se which is the problem, it’s the side effects of it. Physically I’ve been a wreck, I’ve barely eaten or slept in days, and when I have I’ve eaten crap (a whole 12 inch takeaway pizza, yuck) and had horrible dreams. I have bags under my eyes the size of China and more headaches than normal. I’m emotionally a wreck, I’ve cried more in the last couple of weeks than probably since January or even before put together. And worst of all, as per usual, I’ve pushed away from me the people I care about, I do this every single fucking time! I’ve lost a best friend of 16 years in the last few weeks, although granted not entirely my doing, I’ve made my mum cry which is an absolutely horrible thing to do to your own mother, I’ve pissed other friends off to the extent they are avoiding me until exams are over and I’ve lost someone that could have potentially been a very good friend, as I have far less control over my mouth and temper when I’m stressed, at the expense of other peoples feelings.
Anyway, blatant moan paragraph out of the way. I feel a bit like a broken record, as it always seems to happen nowadays. People have as always in their unfaltering patience been there for me, and I could name drop all I wanted but they know who they are, and know how grateful I am to them for never giving up on me, and not getting bored of my ‘ZOMG I’M SO STRESSED, LIKE I WANT TO CRY, FUCKING PEOPLE’ rants. But all of this has called into question who I actually am.
Callum said something last night which made me think, looking back on it, he may well have already been sloshed, but still it seemed to make a lot of sense nonetheless. He said to me, you seem to be overly consumed in who Clare is, and I think he has a point. I seem to be suffering a bit of an identity crisis almost. Since I don’t know maybe 2 years ago when I started uni, I’ve always known who I was, and always liked who I was, sure I’ve changed in that time, in confidence more than anything and sure I have my faults, don’t we all? That’s what makes people so fascinating. But the point is I’ve always known who I was and been happy with that, until recently.What first made me think this, is what I see as an over-dependence on people. I’ve always prided myself on being independent, sure I need some people around, but I don’t like having to rely solely on other people and not myself. This is reflected perhaps more online than elsewhere. I think I’m safe in saying that pretty much everyone here knows who Clare is, the fundamentals I mean, like what subject I do at uni, how old I am, what uni I’m at, some of my main viewpoints and likes and dislikes etc. But I doubt many of you could tell me a lot more, and there’s a reason for that, whilst I’m perfectly willing to tell of past stories, I’m very reluctant of telling people what I’m thinking at any particular time in great depth, and as a result most people here, don’t really know me. I think I can count the number of people (online) that have really got to know Clare inside and out with all her faults, on two fingers both of whom I’ve known for more than a year, this even discounts people I’ve leant on recently in times of need. Everyone else sees the Clare that faces the world, the tough Clare, the generally happy Clare, the sarcastic Clare. I was once told by someone I worked with that I was the most genuine person he’s ever met, which to this day I’ve viewed as one of the biggest compliments I have ever received. And I’d still like to think I was true, I haven’t been lying to any of you like some people we could mention, you just haven’t seen the whole picture, you’ve seen one side of Clare, the public face, the defence mechanism, the strong independent Clare. The point is I think that I seem to be losing that more and more recently, it is becoming more and more just a face to put on the world, as I’ve leant on more people and not been able to get by on my own. I seem to be losing the very essence which is Clare. Or at least, what I see to be Clare.
So time for the accusations? This will sound incredibly selfish but I think over recent months I’ve always been there for other people and perhaps a little too much, if anyone asks for help I’m always willing to help, if anyone is down I will try stupidly hard to cheer them up, and don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing it, but I think in giving other people all my time, I’ve let time for myself drift out the window, I’m becoming watered down almost. Now this isn’t an accusation against anyone I’ve helped in recent times cos most of you have helped me at some point too so I can’t fault you for that, its just a cumulative thing.
Anyway the point is. I think, I’m now on a mission to refind myself. Most aspects are still very much there, I am as determined as ever, as much up for a laugh as ever and as bloody stubborn as ever. But I need to re find the independence which I thrive on, and perhaps more than that, reflect on my priorities. I have an exam tomorrow and another one on Thursday but then essentially I am free until uni starts in September. As you all know by now, and if you don’t you must have been living in a cave, I’m going to America for three months this summer, until now I’d been seeing it as just an awesome experience, now I’m seeing it as a chance to get away, particularly it has to be said from the internet, which has been having a negative impact on me as of late. 3 months in a foreign country living and working with kids should, I hope, give me the time I need step back from thinking about being Clare, and just being her and getting on with it. So when I return in September beautifully tanned, I’ll have found myself without even trying. And then, when I click on my favourite favourite at the top of the screen and scream, “I’M BAAAAAACK!” I bloody well will be.
In hindsight this was a lot less emo than I thought it would be.
*gives myself a pat on the back*
'Pologies to anyone other than the FFTW crew, it was written originally for there and I can't be bothered to remove the references.
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