Reflection and Pride

This was written a couple of days ago, but its taken until now to transfer it, the original can be found at http://forumsftw.com/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=207 , along with the pictures which I'm too lazy to put here.

I've been writing different blogs of late, the last one barely counts as was more a case of damage limitation, and self preservation, although I guess to an extent thats to be expected. Life is a bit strange when you are counting down the days til you travel to a foreign country for three months, with very little idea of quite what you'll be doing, or quite what contact you'll have with anyone from home. Not only that of course, but as some of you may know, Clare hasn't been 100% herself as of late, its funny how much of an impact some things can have on you despite your best efforts to ignore them.

Anyway before this turns too cryptic I'll move on. This entry again, won't be quite the norm. Not only for the reasons above but also as I haven't been up to much of interest, that a paragraph shall suffice, and finally because I'm writing this blog with more of a purpose than I often have.

That being said I’ll briefly fill you in with what I have been doing as I know people have probably completely lost track of where I am, I’m having enough problems knowing myself! So after I got back from London I was at home for about a week and a half, in that time I worked at good old Cattle Country (http://www.cattlecountry.co.uk/) for a few days to get some money. I’ve been working there four years its all a bit insane really. I love the guys that work there so much, especially the older ones who I’ve worked with for so long. I’m gonna miss them this summer, first one in five years I won’t be working there, that being said, I think it may be a good thing. There’s a hell of a lot of chemistry between me and one of the new guys who works there, (a lot like Jak last summer, and we know how that ended up) and I won’t deny it he’s hot, but he’s also 16. That’s like paedophilia almost, ok its not at all, but I can’t imagine the stick I’d get.

Anyway other than that I’ve just seen my grandparents, eaten more cake than I’d care to think about (2 birthdays and grandparents visiting), and hung out a lot with Jamie. Jamie is a complete legend, I love him to bits, I never laugh more than when I’m with him. He’s the only one finished uni out of my home friends so its just been the two of us which has been really cool. We’ve wasted hours just wandering around town or watching crappy day time TV. The highlights were easily watching Die Hard 4.0, I can’t believe how much I enjoyed that film, slightly ridiculous really. Its not even an amazing film, but I was just in the perfect mood for it, and also the pub yesterday afternoon. I can’t drink in the middle of the day to save my life, two pints of cider and the afternoon was ruled out, as was far too much of my money on that bloody IT box. Never go on them kids, you just don’t win.

Anyhow, I’m now back in Nottingham for a few days until Tuesday, basically just for a few social things before I go to America, Summer Party tomorrow and hockey end of year social on Monday.

And this leads us to the purpose of this blog. I’m currently procrastinating from my least favourite job in the world, packing. Its that time of year that I have to strip my walls and pack away all my belongings and drive them the 150 odd miles back to childhood home. I’ve been lucky this year in that I’ve only had to do it once, compared to the three times at the end of each term in halls last year. I’ve always found packing really depressing, although I can’t say why, but now at the end of the second year of my degree I’m finding the process a much more reflective one than usual.

I guess to an extent, as with everything at the moment, this is linked to America and my current stage of self reflection, but its more than that, next year I’ll graduate, and have to make the next step. Up until now the next step was always in place, ever since I started school I was going to university, the only questions were where and studying what. But now that’s no longer the case, now I make the first step into the unknown. All of this builds up, so that as I take the photos down from the wall, I’ve begun to reflect on my second year at university.

Most people reading this won’t have known me before my second year so let me give you a little background. This is something that I’ve only admitted to myself over the last six months and told no one before, but I didn’t really enjoy my first year at uni, and it was largely my fault. I’ve said for a while 2007 was one of the worst years of my life, and that isn’t because it was terrible, but because most of the others were damn good. I fell into the trap at uni which I think a lot of first years do, of not throwing yourself into enough stuff and getting involved. I wasn’t all that confident in my first year, and although I met a lot of people I didn’t form many close friendships, which is why I found myself applying to live in a flat with people I didn’t know rather than in a house with a group of friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have no friends last year, or stay inside the whole time. But I was quite lonely, not helped of course by the end of a two year relationship, and having such close friends at home. I think at the time I admitted to Berni that I often looked forward to going home, because I had much better friends there. Anyway I went into this year with a different attitude. Although I didn’t notice it my confidence had improved over the first year, and it was something I noticed a lot at work in the summer, I was a much more central component of the staff in terms of socialising than I’d been previously. So second year began and I threw myself into everything, including orchestra, yoga, and most importantly hockey, as well as on my course talking to people I wouldn’t have done before.

And now I can look back and see the success I have achieved. I’ve absolutely loved pretty much every second of my second year. My group of friends has expanded massively, and I have many closer friends and a couple I would trust with my life, which is something I missed last year. The hockey lot are one of the best bunches of people I have ever met, and I’ve met so many people through them as well. I’ve been so much more confident talking to people on my course, in lectures and seminars as well. I’m no longer the one who sits there and struggles to think of anything to reply with, I’m the one guiding the conversation, or even organising the nights out.

On Monday its our end of year hockey social, in which they hand out the awards and organise the committee positions for next year. I’m running for social sec, and stand a bloody good chance of getting it. In my eyes social secretaries are always the really popular people, who know everyone, and are liked by everyone. The fact that I am running for that position in a society I absolutely love to bits, makes me incredibly proud, and really reflects the change I’ve made from the first year to the second year.

I am so proud of what I’ve achieved, and regardless of my exam results, which I can’t think will be all that terrible, I have had a really fantastic year. And I wouldn’t change a second of it.