A new leaf

Last night, I started thinking due to a variety of factors that I'll get to in due course but, its made me decide, I'm gonna turn over a new leaf as cliched as that may seem, in many areas of my life. I should explain first, that I am no unhappy with my life, in fact far from it, I love life right now, I'm happier now than I've been in a long time if ever. I'm also happy with who I am as a person, sure I have my faults, don't we all, I swear too much, I drink too much, I think I can come across as arrogant, particularly online, and I make far too many racist jokes that will get me in trouble one day, but that being said, I like me. After all, its people's faults that make them interesting.

Anyway you may be asking, why then do you want to turn over a new leaf, why fix what ain't broke? But that's not the way I look at life, if you keep adapting things and making them better, then they'll never break right?

Well the impetus for this change came mainly from me finally accepting something I've known for a long time. My best friends are no longer who they used to be. When you've been best friends with someone for sixteen years its quite hard to accept that suddenly you're not anymore. I'm not going to go into details, because to be quite honest, you probably don't want to hear them and I'd probably cry if I recounted them. But in the last few months I've been leaning on different people in my times of need, and having fun with different people, my 'best' friends wouldn't even be able to tell me what I've been through recently. So yeah.

This could of course be seen as a negative thing, and could make me very depressed, but anyone who knows me even remotely well, will know Clare does not get depressed easily, and looks for the silver lining. And that's just it, of course there's an upside, it hasn't been that I've suddenly found I have no friends at all, I've just found friends in different people. Kayleigh has been the best flatmate I could possibly ask for, and although she's not one I talk to about how I feel overly, she's always there to have a laugh with and for me to rant at occasionally. The hockey lot at uni, I could NOT ASK for a better bunch of people to go out with and have a fantastic time. Similarly people at home I've known for years I'm suddenly closer to than before, Charlotte, we've grown up together, but suddenly, through bonding sessions involving alcohol, we'll actually have sensible conversations which don't involve curly hair and men in white coats.

Then of course there's the wonders of the Internet. FFTW has become such a great community already, and its a board I actually felt comfortable enough on to open up on completely on my eating disorder, something I've never done through fear of ridicule. I could go on all day to be honest about how wonderful various people have been to me at various points, but I shan't. That being said there's three who do need a special mentions. So in alphabetical order to prevent some kind of testosterone fuelled competition . . .

Ben, you have been so so lovely to me in recent months, conversations with you never fail to make me smile at some point, I've kept your letter and will for years to come I expect. Never ever change from the genuinely lovely caring person you are.
Callum, seriously the shit you've been through recently and still had time to listen to me moan. I'm forever gonna be grateful for talking to you about bulimia etc. it is soooo nice to find someone who actually understands. You're a great mate even if you're a crap ice skater. And a note to Lucie, this DOES NOT mean I fancy him, ok?
Finally Matty, you were getting worried I wasn't going to mention you then weren't you? But lets be honest how could I not? You have been the most fantastic friend to me over the last year now, you make me laugh probably more than anyone else, I can't actually put into words what I'm feeling tbh. I never thought I'd see the day when a 17 year old hairy metal head Avril fan from Wales would be one of my closest friends. Its a strange world.

Well this is a bloody long entry already and I still haven't reached the point. A new leaf.

Right basically, the first thing that's happening in this new leaf of mine has to be related to my diet. I obviously can't set myself specific targets as I'm gonna fail big time. I know I'm fit and healthy, so all I'm doing is starting a food diary, and actually keeping it. Instead of purging, I'm gonna go for a run, because running (if not around a hockey pitch) fucking kills me, so that way I'll be less likely to eat the crap in the first place.

Secondly, in terms of the Internet my patterns are changing. I've spent too long online for as long as I can remember. Now don't go worrying, I'm still gonna be around, but I'll not longer be on if I'm doing absolutely nothing but staring at random sites for hours on end or talking to people I just can't be that bothered with for hours on end. I'll still be around, but it'll either be less or I'll be doing something else at the same time, such as . . .

This leads me onto number three, I'm getting back into my creative side, I've claimed I've not had the time for this, and that's quite simply not true. The time I haven't had has been wasted on the Internet doing nothing constructive. I used to read a book a week, at uni that simply isn't practical as I spend all day reading history books but I'm gonna try damn hard to read one a month. I'm also gonna try and get back into my writing and drawing more, but of course that is to a large extent dependent on how creative I feel at any particular moment.

I also at least in the short term will have work very much at the forefront, as I'm sure most people will as I have exams that I need to do well in for two reasons, firstly I'd like to go into the third year with at least some pressure taken off and secondly, I bloody well don't want to have to cut my summer in America short to come back and take re-sits.

And lastly, there's a mental adjustment going on in my head right now. In terms of where my priorities lie, who I can depend on, where my life is going (I actually have to start making these decisions soon) and so on. Nothing is set in concrete all I'm doing is trying to turn over a new leaf, for myself and for the people around me.

My life looks bright right now, I'm going to America for three months this summer and I'm doing well at uni, adjustments occur and improvements are made. I just want to go into it all with the right mindset.









I really do apologise for how long this is!